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Part Four: Is the Grass Really Greener?
Throughout the course of the Being Beyond Bullying Series, we have discussed how to handle bullying from the highest thought possible. We learned to love ourselves, live fully in the moment, and to share our message with the world. In short, we have concentrated on the experience of the bullied, but there is more to bullying than just one perspective. In the last part of the Being Beyond Bullying Series, we’ll finally take a look at the bully itself, and how the process, not the person, is what drives the unthinkable actions that we see in high schools and beyond today.
To understand the functioning of the bully, we must understand their perception. Very few of us can claim that we haven’t taken up the role as the bully throughout high school, middle school, or even elementary school. At some point in our lives, we all have taken advantage of another person’s dilemma to make it our personal pleasure. We sniffed out the weakest, saw that they had nothing, and even took that away from them. With an easy target, we believed we found a quick way to elevate ourselves at the mere cost of another’s sense of self. And we continued to do it again, and again, and again. But was it worth it? Did it really make us feel better? Were we really experiencing a sense of higher self? Not likely.
The question that does remain regards the way to change the behavior of the bully. Many school boards and state officials have attempted to answer with placing strict rules regarding the consequences of bullying. However, these new strategies have created some interesting results. According to an article from the Christian Science Monitor, dated September 19, 2012, many schools that have implemented ‘zero-tolerance’ policies towards bullying have not experienced a decline in its rate, but rather a dramatic increase. The reason cited for this trend is that the policies focus too much on consequences, and not enough on compassion. So it seems as though too much time is wasted on prosecuting reactionary behaviors, than on the creative transformation of the beliefs of the bully themself. Though the power of the bullying policy has been altered, nothing will truly change until the mindset of the bullies transform. And there we have it: a change in belief, not a change in power, will create the long-lasting impact in the teen experience. Sound familiar to anyone?
For teens across the nation and across the globe, we need to bring that NEW level of compassion not only into our own lives, but also into the lives of everyone we encounter. We, as a generation, must decide to recognize the humanity in all, no matter how different or foreign they may seem. Instead of making zero-tolerance policies, we should be creating 100% tolerance policies. By seeing ourselves in another, by recognizing our own dreams, heart, and life in the person sitting next to us, we begin to realize that our differences aren’t so stark after all. When we see the weakest among us, those are the people that we should be extending our hands towards; those are the ones who we should share our love, laughter, and experiences with. By being that source of compassion, people can heal and grow in truly incredible ways. Whatever sense of ego-inflation we felt when we engaged in the process of bullying is NOTHING compared to the heightened sense of self we feel when we engage in the process of kindness. Experience it, just once, and feel the difference. You’ll never go back to bullying again.
(Lauren is a Feature Editor of The Global Conversation. She lives in Wood Dale, IL, and can be reached at Lauren@TheGlobalConversation.com)
Part Three: The road well-traveled
In the past two weeks, we have focused heavily on the psychological process of bullying, and on how changing our thoughts, has, in due course, changed our mentality on bullying. We have concentrated in near entirety on our personal self, and how to overcome our personal experiences. Yet, as facts and statistics incessantly inform us, we are not alone in our path, or in our journey. As stated in an article from The San Jose Mercury News, dated October 24th, 2012, over 13 million teens across the nation face bullying every day. Bullying may stem from personal problems, but it hardly ends there. As bullying continues to affect more individuals every day, we still see our own experiences with bullying as disconnected and separated from the world. Why, as individuals, do we feel as though bullying is only a personal struggle?
As bullying attempts to prevent us from expressing our personal self, it has also prevented us from expressing our collective self. For in society, so far, we have adopted the “Minority of One” view, which has left teens isolated in their understanding of their situation and in their quest for solutions. The belief in the personal struggle, without any guidance or support, has led countless teens across the nation to believe that they are alone without any help or hope along the way. Feeling alienated in their personal condition, teens and even adults often become so engrossed by this mindset that they forget how often bullying really does occur. As those 13 million teens have a unique story, they all share a common experience. With that common experience, teens also share a common knowledge of facing those experiences.
So why can’t we just share what we know? Why can’t we share what we have experienced individually, so that the understanding may be raised collectively? For in this case, Sharing IS Caring. The path of overcoming bullying is not one that is being trail blazed by each of us, but is rather a walk down the road well-traveled by everyone who has ever encountered bullying. What we have learned through our experience, through our trials and tribulations, can be explained and understood by those who still struggle with bullying today. With collective sharing of what we have learned individually, we have an opportunity to raise the entire consciousness of the group collectively.
By sending out your message, whether it be of forgiveness, expression, or acceptance, we give others the chance to absorb a new pattern of thought and emotion towards bullying itself. Just merely letting others have this level of exposure to alternative methods of overcoming bullying is a foot in the right direction. Too many times we believe that we face an ultimatum, of flight or flee, that hearing the other approaches serves as a reminder to what we essentially know to be true of life as possibility. With the simple knowledge of ‘there is another way’, teens will pursue these alternatives that will ultimately lead to higher thought levels of decision and action. Even though the situation may be slightly different, the same messages will still apply. Collective collaboration, and ultimately, conversation, is truly at the core of being beyond bullying.
(Lauren is a Feature Editor of The Global Conversation. She lives in Wood Dale, IL, and can be reached at Lauren@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
Part 2: The Best Gift Ever
As bullying continues to affect teens across the nation, we are beginning to see that the consequences are becoming more and more magnified. In coordination with National Bullying Prevention Month, the National Educational Association released some very disturbing figures: over 160,000 teens stay home from school in fear of being bullied in the classroom. And that’s just in one day. Given that some teens may repeatedly skip school to avoid bullying, a little math goes a long way in helping us look at the even bigger picture of this statistic. With an average of 180 school days in a year, there are about 28.8 million days of school missed in a single school year, solely because of the fear of bullying. So much time, so little progress.
As this happens, not just once in a while, but on a daily basis, we are left wondering about this fear we teens seem to have. We start to see that bullying is not just a one-time event, but rather is an incident that seems to linger and create extended periods of stress and anxiety. We are left with the questions, Why is our fear of being bullied become so strong? Why are we so afraid of a possibility, and have gone to such a level that we change our daily lives to avoid that scenario? To even begin a conversation on these questions, we need to travel back to the original event: the act of bullying itself.
When we experience an act of bullying, we realize that the amount of time that we were actually being bullied was very, very short. As it takes less than 30 seconds to physically or verbally push a teen’s self-esteem into the ground, the bullying event itself is a very temporary matter that is quickly replaced with a thousand other scenarios, actions, and experiences. It seems as though, when we are bullied, we should just be able to move above and away from the event. But somehow, the bullying event sinks into our minds, and then becomes the center of our psychological attention.
We engross ourselves with our pain of the experience, and so we dwell in the traumas that could have been released. We envelop ourselves in the What If situation, and so we begin to fear the possibilities that could have set us free. We focus our minds, on the past and on the future, to continue experiencing the bullying long after the deed has been done, and thereby keeping it alive. By spending time worrying and suffering, fretting and brooding, we lose the minutes and moments of life and love in between.
But this can change, and it will be changed by The Best Gift Ever: the Present. This isn’t a gift that is received on a birthday or holiday, but it is the only moment that ever truly exists: Now. By living in the now moment, the present moment, we let go of events and thoughts that are past experiences, because they are in the past. When we live in the moment, the fear of “what if” also disappears, as it is not happening now, and may not even happen in the future. As bullying serves to drive teens away from the present by filling their self-esteem with thoughts of past woes and future worries, the present is simply what is happening now. And now. And now. And the best part, is that we always have this gift, the gift that keeps on giving every moment of the day. By being present, we are truly beyond the mind games bullying wants to play.
(Lauren is a Feature Editor of The Global Conversation. She lives in Wood Dale, IL, and can be reached at Lauren@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
Part One: Just FLY
In recent weeks, teen bullying has become center stage in news across the nation. At first we were shocked to hear the report of Preston Deener (age 15), with his episode of bullying right before his television interview on the subject. Then we were appalled to hear the account of Max Duke (age 15) and his school suspension for standing up to bullying victimization. And finally, we were truly at a loss for words to even describe the tragic case of Amanda Todd (age 15), whose personal struggles with bullying drove her to commit the unthinkable: suicide.
We view, we watch, and we see these three striking examples, but the effects of bullying reach far more teens than meets the eye. The lives of Preston, Max, and Amanda aren’t the only ones who are scarred by bullying, as countless other teens, too many in names and numbers, feel that same pain and suffering. Why is it that so many of us teens experience such physical, mental, and social abuse? How has bullying led some of us to such a loss of the self and the soul? And what choices can we as teens make to live beyond bullying?
Within the following postings, bullying will become the main focus of the conversation. As needless mistreatment and disrespect have affected every one of us at one point in our lives, the experience of being harassed for just being ourselves has now become common. Serving as a theme too universal to be further ignored, we will take a look at bullying from the place it has the most impact: the self.
For the majority of teens, bullying doesn’t necessarily harm our physical self, but it certainly damages our sense of self. This sense of self that bullying (and especially cyber bullying) affects includes our self-concept (Who We Are), our self-image (What We Choose), and our self-purpose (Why We Are Here). As others have generically called this ‘self-esteem,’ the main goal of bullying is simply to destroy it. By using constant humiliation and repetitive subjugation, bullying aims at making our sense of self so weak that we forget how wonderful and perfect our life, our choice, and our purpose really are. So now knowing what bullying does, what can we do? And, more importantly, how can we do it?
As bullying wants to make our sense of self weak, what we can do is make our sense of self STRONG. To do this, all we have to do is just FLY. Or rather, just First Love Yourself, a less common acronym for a very common need. By loving who you are in this world, by loving your choices and where they have led, by loving the reason why you wake and breathe everything day, you create a certainty in yourself that cannot be easily shaken or dismantled. Just having that love for yourself, no matter what anyone or anything may tell you, will keep you grounded in the beautiful person that is Who You Truly Are. Love yourself unconditionally for every aspect of yourself, even your fears and your regrets, as then no part of yourself is denied from receiving that strength of certainty in your highest self. With a solid foundation in our sense of self, the walls of our self-esteem stand sturdy against any mind games bullying will attempt to use. All you need is love (for yourself).
Loving yourself, however, is still only the first step. In the following weeks, we will delve deeper into transforming our interactions and understanding of bullying. I deeply encourage all of us, teen and adult alike, to continue reading this series and continue to have conversations on this topic. Be the change you wish to see in the bullying world.
(Lauren is a Feature Editor of The Global Conversation. She lives in Wood Dale, IL, and can be reached at Lauren@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
On October 4th, 2012, an unprecedented event occurred across the world. This event was not a day of political change or economic change, but this was a day of a social change. Through the incredible progress of technology, October 4th marked the day that will continue to define lives and generations. For on this past Thursday, the social media network Facebook officially registered its billionth user. Stated from a BBC article published on October 5th, Facebook now has “over 1.13 trillion ‘likes,’ 219 billion photos, and 17 billion check-ins.” With users logging in from all over the globe, Facebook and social media has become one of the most popular forms of communication on the planet.
From observing this massive expansion of social media, it would seem as though our society is more connected to each other than ever before. Through Facebook and other social network sites, we have been given more opportunity to communicate and interact with others than any other generation has. We can post, print, and tag on each other’s wall instantaneously, and comment on their activities just as fast. And yet, for all of the connections that social media creates, we feel even more separated and disconnected than ever before. Why is that?
How is it even possible that a billion people, who have engaged in social networking to create meaningful connections with others, still feel so separated from each other? In essence, it begins with the most basic element: the message. In the simplest truth, the purpose of having conversations and being connected to others is to send and receive our messages. As these messages that we type, text, and tweet serve as our verbalized thoughts and desires, every word is being sent out for the world to lean and listen. So, what are the messages that we are sending out? Are they ones that continue to separate us, or are they ones that actually might bring us together?
If you ever felt the messages you posted online only created further division, further guilt, further fear, then know that you CAN change the message that you put out into the world. By simply being aware of messages that either bring people together or drives them apart is a step in a new direction. Social media doesn’t have to be used to boast accomplishments and events of one over another, but rather can be used to bring the two together. We have the ability to connect with the billions of other social media users, as long as we are willing to create those connections. You CAN choose, in every post, in every tweet, to bring a message of unity and understanding into everything you say and write. You CAN choose to promote love and unity, and let your words reflect it. Your message is a reflection of Who You Are, and your expression of Who You Are. It’s just your choice on the extent you want to express it.
As Facebook now has a billion users, social media is becoming more complex and interconnected than anything else we have ever known socially. As each of its billion users will choose the message they send out into the world, they will decide which path they will follow. But as we decide our own path, we can start to choose messages that create those deeper connections and higher conversations that will interact with billions of other users. So next time you go to update your status, remember the words you send will be literally sent into the world. Check your messages often.
(Lauren is a Feature Editor of The Global Conversation. She lives in Wood Dale, IL and can be reached at Lauren@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
This past Monday, a dramatic step forward has been taken by the legislatures in California. As announced in the October 1, 2012, article of The Oakland Press, California Governor Jerry Brown signed SB1172 into law, which officially banned a controversial therapy technique aimed at converting gay teenagers into straight individuals. As conversion therapy has been seen to mentally and emotionally destructive to teens, the new law prohibits all minors in the state of California from being exposed to future sexual orientation change efforts.
What California has done speaks far louder than the Governor’s voice. California has showed us that teens don’t need to be “cured” of their displays of self-expression. In at least one part of our society, there IS an understanding that people can and should freely be themselves, without guilt or fear of being forced to change. There IS an acceptance of Who We Are, and there IS the freedom that allows us to demonstrate it. Instead of seeing gay teenagers as a “black sheep” to society, they are being recognized as human beings with a mind and a soul. Who’s to say that it has to stop there?
With this new law, we as teenagers are beginning to understand that it’s OK to express Who We Really Are. We know this as truth, and finally, society is catching up to this as well. As high and mighty organizations such as the California Board of Behavioral Sciences, the California Association of Marriage and Therapists, and the California Psychological Association have recognized the negative effects of forcing us to be someone besides our highest self, the laws of the land are changing and transforming into a more open environment.
No matter if it is expression of sexual orientation, divine beliefs, or political policies, we as teens have more freedom and more ways to express ourselves than ever. We don’t need to be remedied of any single aspect of our highest selves. If you have ever felt the fear of simply “being yourself”, know that you have the freedom to be confident and be recognized for the joy of Who You Choose to Be. As our teenage years, and all of our years, are for the purpose of redefining Who We Are in the next grandest vision of the greatest version of ourselves, love to live your expression of the highest self.
(Lauren Rourk may be reached at Lauren@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
Being a teenager in the twenty first century has given us the technological edge. More than any other generation before us, we have access to information-tons and tons of information-that can tell us the time of day in Paris, the latest trends in Japan, and the scores of soccer matches in Brazil. With so much information out there, literally at the tip of our fingers, we have more opportunity than ever to explore the life around us.
As our world seems to get smaller and smaller by the size of our web searching, our exploration turns to us to questioning. Though we have become so much more exposed to different ideas, cultures, and thoughts, it shocks us just to see how different our lifestyles are from others. We begin to see that there is not just only our way of life, but many other ways to live, and that leads us to our own questioning. We ask ourselves, “Are my decisions better than theirs? Is their way the right way? Will I make the best choice?”
With deeper and deeper thought, these questions bring us to a new level of uncertainty. We begin not only to re-search ourselves, but also our schools, our communities, and our world, and we begin see the faults. We see, more than any other age group, the cracks, the bruises, and the broken linings of all society. By searching these things, both on and off line, we feel our differences making us more alone and separated than ever before. But it doesn’t have to be like that.
What if we, not just one or a few of us, but many of us, could have a conversation about these issues, without judgment, without guilt, and without fear of being right or wrong? What if you knew that there are people who understand you, and are willing to discuss your questions? What if you could do all of this with teenagers just like you?
Instead of driving us apart, let’s have technology bring us together. Let’s have a Collective Conversation, one in which we can share and develop our awareness together, right here, on this blog. If you have ever had a question, had a desire, or had a moment to spare, join us in this global conversation, special to teens, to explore and understand the greatest challenges we face today. Become apart of the conversation, and become your highest self.
