The Global Conversation

Tag: 5 levels of truth

  • Speaking even a simple truth is so hard…

     

    Dear Therese,

    A friend and I have been doing things together twice a week for almost ten years.  We enjoy our time together, and have many things in common, but that’s not the problem.  My problem is that I always drive, because she doesn’t, and she has never once offered to pay me for gas.  Until recently that wasn’t an issue, because the places we like to go are in her area, but I am on a fixed income and would sure like to keep costs down for me, and there are things much closer to me that I could go to, instead of by her.  How do I tell her?

    W.H. in Wisconsin

    Dear W.H.,

    The simple answer, W.H., is tell her exactly what you just told me!  You’ve given no indication that she is abusive or unreasonable, which probably means that she has likely fallen into the habit of letting you pay.  Is it possible that when this arrangement began you consistently told her it was your pleasure, or no problem, or you liked doing this?  Sweetie, if you don’t speak up, you will never know if there really is a problem!  It could be that she is very willing to pay, just doesn’t know circumstances have changed for you.

    Your predicament is a microcosm of a much larger social problem, of course.  We are encouraged to give, but not told why.  The “why” is because this life isn’t about us, it is about how our lives touch and improve the lives others. (Put very simply , of course)  What we aren’t really told these days, is that all benefits must be mutual.  The mutual ultimately boils down to the joy of giving, but being the human beings that we are, it often takes something a little more concrete to demonstrate mutuality.  For sure it means that one person can not take advantage of another.  When generosity is abused the energy of the relationship changes, and we feel it.

    Then comes the next predicament.  We are also told that we have to be nice.  We are encouraged to avoid conflict.  We are fearful that other people won’t like us.  None of these things are necessarily wrong, until they stop us from being true to ourselves.  When we stop being true to ourselves, W.H., we also stop giving from our joy, and our giving becomes tainted.

    When our giving no longer comes from our joy, as is demonstrated in your case, it effects relationships.  Your friend, W.H., has no way of knowing that something has changed unless you tell her.  Chances are she suspects, by your behavior, or some subtle changes in you, but she can not really know until you tell her your truth.  I suggest you tell her very gently, but directly, that your circumstances have changed.  Don’t just stop doing things with her and go to places closer without giving her a chance to give back to you.  Who knows, she may have been hiding information from you about her finances or other things, and may wish to talk to you, too.  This one thing may actually open up a whole new avenue of communication between the two of you.

    We just never know where standing in our own truth, even in seemingly simple things, will take us!

    Therese

    (Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com  She may be contacted at:                                                              Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)

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  • Is Selfish a Good Thing?

    My friends and some of my family members think I am selfish because I am honest with them when I don’t want to do something or attend a function I’m invited to. They tell me I only think of myself, I only do things for myself, and that if I’m not careful I’m going to find myself all alone one day soon.  I’m conflicted because I don’t want to hurt their feelings, or be disliked or alone, but I don’t feel I’m in the wrong for speaking my truth.  How do I make them understand?

    Julia, London

     

    Hi Julia,

    I’ve heard it be said that selfishness is the vibrational alignment with self, and that is never a bad thing.  I happen to see selfishness as a good thing, actually, when used in the right context.  Everyone is responsible for themselves, and most unhappiness comes from the belief that we are responsible for the happiness and well-being of others.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a wonderful thing to bring happiness and well-being to others, by doing so we receive the same thing.  But the distinction lies is whether or not we are responsible to do so.  We’re not.  Each soul on this planet came here with its own agenda, to experience particular things, and each soul knows what it’s doing.  Therefore, being “selfish”, or as I look at it, paying special attention to the soul’s desire or agenda, is not a bad thing at all.

    So what if doing what’s best for you, or “being selfish” appears to hurt another?  I’ve also heard it be said to “speak your truth, yet soothe your words with peace.”  Take a moment to evaluate how you are speaking your truth to others.  Do you sometimes come across as harsh, indignant, condescending maybe?  If so, ask yourself how you can soothe your words with peace when expressing what you desire.  In terms of “making them understand”, well, I’m afraid that’s just not possible, Julia.  We can’t make anyone do anything – remember, it is not we who are responsible for the reaction of another, that is completely up to them.  But there is great comfort and peace in knowing that you have been true to yourself, you have spoken your truth with great kindness and compassion, and have chosen to show up as authentically you, regardless of how another chooses to react.  There is also great freedom in allowing another their own experience.  It’s one of the best gifts you can give another.

    Also keep in mind that when people are upset with you, or don’t like something you are doing, you are giving them the gift of deciding who they are in respect to that.  And they’re reaction to you gives you the same opportunity.  And finally, sometimes we simply “grow in a different direction” with some people in our lives, when the purpose of your relationship has been served.  You may want to take a moment to ask yourself the difficult question of whether or not that applies to some of the people you are referring to.  And if this continues to be in an issue, this lack of understanding one another, that is, with certain people who you’d like to keep in your life, consider getting some counseling or a mediator involved to help close that gap in understanding.

    This isn’t an easy topic, this business of relating with those closest to us, it’s always a bit of a hot button.  But remember that you are responsible for YOU and only you, and if you are making choices from a place of authenticity, honesty and alignment, than you’re doing pretty darn well as far as I’m concerned.  Hope this helps.

    P.S. You may want to read about the 5 Levels of Truth, covered in “When Everything Changes, Change Everything”.  It offers great clarity around all of this speaking our truth to others business.

    (Nova Wightman is a CWG Life Coach, as well as the owner and operator of Go Within Life Coaching, www.gowithincoaching.com, specializing in helping individuals blend their spirituality with their humanity in a way that makes life more enjoyable, easy, and fulfilling.  She can be reached at Nova@theglobalconversation.com. )

    (If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to: Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)

  • The five levels of truth-telling

    The first time I read about this concept, it resonated deeply within my soul.  But I must admit, I was a bit fearful that it would not be easy to apply on an everyday basis.

    Sure, in my years as a patient, and then as a therapist, I had learned the value of truth and did my best to honor it both in my professional and personal life…most of the time.

    So what was still keeping me from being truthful in certain situations?

    Well, I told myself it was in order not to hurt others – to protect them, you might say.  But in reality, as it is for most of us, I was paralyzed by the thought that if I tell my truth, I may lose the interest, love, and appreciation of others. I was the one scared of being hurt.

    Of course, Life, benevolent and loving as it is, heard my interrogation and was already working at creating the perfect circumstances for me to experience the power of truth-telling.

    It started with a conference call with Neale Donald Walsch (being a spiritual helper on WECCE, I am so very fortunate to participate in those).

    On that particular call, a helper asked Neale – given his extensive life experience and wisdom – what piece of advice he would give to a young person starting in life. Neale did not have to think over it twice.

    “To tell the truth all the time” was his first and foremost answer.  He went on to add that even though it wasn’t easy, it was one of the soul’s highest goals, and that truth should be told in a peaceful, respectful way.

    So there it was again, taunting me to look at myself squarely and stop hiding behind false pretense.

    I went back to the 5 Levels of Truth and started applying them to the situations in my life where I felt difficulty or conflicts. Sure enough, I was not being totally transparent in those exchanges.

    It all starts with:

    Telling the Truth to Yourself About Yourself

    This one may sound like a no-brainer, but it’s really not. Often we tell ourselves what we tell others: nice little fibs. We are afraid of the truth itself.  We imagine awful consequences to our revelations and use them as pretexts to stay in an uncomfortable “comfort zone.”

    Still, I felt pretty sure I knew my truth. In my present situation, it had to do with a very close friend who was making jokes and comments which conflicted with my values.

    So I moved on to the second level of truth-telling:

    Tell the Truth to Yourself About Another

    This one had me pondering. I mean, obviously we have a hard time staying neutral about others, but shouldn’t this be a goal?

    I was forgetting an essential truth:  Seeing is not judging.  Judging is forming an opinion based not on our feelings but on our thoughts; whereas seeing is simply observing from the soul’s point of view.  This was pretty subtle, but I could see where this was taking me.

    It was taking me beyond my pride and prejudices.  Suddenly I could see what was at stake – namely, not my opinions on defensive humor and criticism, but the reality behind it:  my friend’s psychological and spiritual well-being.

    The next level was:

    Tell the Truth About Yourself to Others

    I thought I could do that and started having conversations with him around this subject. Yes, around…not totally addressing it. Once again, this is something we all do at one point or another (especially if you’re a woman and have been taught you should not hurt/make waves/contradict others for the last 2,000 years).

    A bit taken aback by the lack of result my endeavors were having, I moved on to the fourth level of truth-telling:

    Tell Your Truth About Another to the Other

    This left me feeling sad and at loss, because I tried and tried and tried again, but he would not take my advice on consulting a therapist, nor reading books that might provide with some guidance.  In fact, this only served to separate us more.  I thought our friendship was just coming to an end and I had to accept it.

    Still, I moved on to the last level of truth-telling:

    Tell Your Truth to Everyone About Everything 

    That sounded impossible and yet it jerked me awake.  I realized that I had been so entrenched in my own little drama (the fear of losing my friend, the fear I wasn’t providing efficient help) that I still had not told my initial truth.

    Not telling this very same truth had separated us a first time many years ago. It was now poisoning the relationship, like every secret, every lie always does.

    So I decided to follow Neale’s advice to a “T.”  I worked on ways to convey my truth in a peaceful, non-judging way, and then asked to see him.

    Neale had been right, it wasn’t easy.  It took some courage, some guts even.  And then all hell broke loose, the relationship ended…and not nicely.

    Still, I felt liberated.  I knew I had demonstrated to myself and to my friend respect by putting words on my feelings.  Whatever pain or sadness I encountered in the following months over this ending, there wasn’t a trace of regret in me about telling my truth.

    In fact, this prompted me to honor my truth more and more, in every aspect of my life, making my relationships happier and easier.  Now, I won’t lie to you, sometimes I lose sight of my truth, I feel uncomfortable about something and it takes me some time to identify what it is and then some more to convey it in a proper way.

    But you know what? The Soul leaves no stone unturned.  Lies and half-truths will come back to haunt you until you set the truth free.  And once you do, not only does this works, it ripples…

    A month ago, my friend came back. He had started seeing a therapist and was starting to feel much better.  One of the things that had strongly prompted this change was our conversation and the ensuing break-up.

    Tell your truth and expect miracles…both inside and around you.

    (Sophie Lise Fargue is a therapist working with energy, animating workshops and giving seminars on Personal Development in Paris, France. She also volunteers as a Spiritual Helper at www.ChangingChange.net, a website offering emotional and spiritual support. You may connect with her at www.revenirasoi.com or slfargue@gmail.com.)