The Global Conversation

Tag: al-anon

  • Family Addiction: It affects us all

    (This week’s Addiction Column is hosting an article submitted by Cathy Taughinbaugh, Founder of “Treatment Talk.”)

    I am the parent of a former addict.

    When my daughter was 19, I realized she was addicted to crystal meth.  It was late spring and she should have been finishing her sophomore year at college, but instead, because of her addiction, she was no longer attending classes.  She had taken a job washing dogs and she had just been fired.

    Through the years, I’ve asked myself why I didn’t know that my daughter was using drugs. As it turns out, she had been using on and off for the past four years, including her last two years of high school.

    I found crystal meth in her backpack in the fall of her senior year.  We had it identified, so we knew for sure what the drug was.  Her father and I sat her down and listened carefully as she explained through her tears that she was holding it for her friends and that she did not use the drug.  She said she would never do it again.

    I honestly believe that she didn’t use again.  For awhile.

    As parents, we were shocked, frightened, and angry that she had made this choice to use drugs.  We were filled with shame, and clearly in denial.  We were naive to think that our little talk would make any difference in my daughter’s future choices.

    She was grounded for a few weeks.  She did attend a therapy appointment, but that didn’t go well, so we discontinued it.  I try to stop myself, but I do occasionally think back on what we didn’t do: We didn’t drug test her.  We didn’t send her to a drug education program.  We didn’t change her environment.  We did not regularly check her backpack and room, because if I’m brutally honest, I was too scared of what I would find.

    There were a few minor infractions after that incident, but she kept her curfew, was accepted to college, and seemed to be functioning as a normal teenager.

    I know now why I was in denial during that time.  It is difficult to face a problem when you don’t have the answers.  Drug use was new territory for me.  I had never had any family member addicted and didn’t have a clue about crystal meth. Although I know now that I didn’t cause it, at the time, I didn’t want to face my role in my daughter’s addiction.

    So like many parents, I continued on in my comfort zone.  I wanted to continue the close relationship with my daughter and was not sure how to do that and be the drug warden at the same time.

    But when she was almost 20 years old, her drug use became clear and that’s when I jumped into action.  I called a few close friends that I thought could give me some guidance and help.

    We found an educational consultant who put us on a path to healing.  She agreed to treatment, and within one week she was on a plane to Utah to attend a Wilderness program for five weeks and then on to Southern California where she was in treatment for another three months.  Finally, she lived in a sober home for six months.

    Her program included getting a job and/or attending college.  She did both and graduated from a local state university.  A part-time job in a grocery store helped pay expenses while going back to school.

    Today, I am a grateful parent.  My daughter has continued in long-term recovery and is doing well.  We both realized, first and foremost, that we needed to face our reality, change and grow.

    Having an addicted child is not what any mom dreams for her child.  This was the last thing I expected.  The emotional exhaustion sends you down a devastating path.  It is a journey to find your way back.  The financial costs took my breath away.

    For any family thrown into the midst of their child’s addiction, you feel the full range of emotions throughout the experience.  From anxiety, to anger, frustration, sadness and grief, the emotions can consume you if you let them.  You have to say goodbye to the child that once was and accept this new person whose life has become chaotic and unmanageable.

    The control of your life that you once had is now gone.  You know inside that you’ve also lost the power to make a difference in your child’s life while they are in the midst of their addiction.

    Just like any addicted person, finding a spiritual side to my life and seeking the support of others is what saved me.  It gave me the courage to ask for help, the strength to walk into that first Al-Anon meeting and the understanding that there was hope for my family.

    Self care and support was essential for me.  Addiction is draining on everyone but particularly those closest to the addict.  As they say in the airlines, put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others.  This is exactly what you need to do when you are dealing with your child’s drug or alcohol dependence.  Work on healing yourself first before you try and heal your child.

    My daughter has moved on with her life and doesn’t discuss her addiction often. She knows, however, that life can be hard due to poor choices and the disease of addiction.  She also knows that there is always hope.

    We both realized that our lives could change when we were ready to dig deep, overcome our fear and take on the challenge to begin again.

    CathyT(Cathy Taughinbaugh is a Parent Recovery and Life Coach and Founder of Treatment Talk, a website dedicated to sharing and support for addiction, recovery and treatment. Cathy is committed to educating parents, young adults and teens about the dangers of substance abuse.)

  • The first step, it’s a doosy!

    The Twelve Steps were originally written by Dr. Bob and Bill W. in 1939.  They are to this day considered the foundation of recovery for all types of addictions and compulsive disorders.  And without question, the application of the Twelve Steps into one’s life gives the best chances of long-term sobriety.  It has long been my belief that there is no human condition the Twelve Steps could not improve.  They are simply a guide to living life in an honest, open-minded, humble, intentional, and responsible manner.  What I cannot believe is that there has not been anyone who dares to expand on them, until now.

    I am going to offer an alternative to the original Twelve Steps.  I want to be very clear here, these are not meant to replace the Twelve Steps, they are not intended to imply that there is something wrong with the Twelve Steps.   There is, however, something that has troubled me — and from what I now know, this has been a huge stumbling block for others as well — and that is the idea that we are somehow powerless.  For those who do not know, the current First Step states: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.”

    A great friend of mine laughingly says, “I don’t remember booze jumping down my throat on its own.”  I am very clear that it was my thought to go to the bar, it was my words that asked for the drink, and it was my hand that lifted the poison to my lips.  I see no powerlessness there; I see the deliberate, albeit insane, act of doing the same thing over and over, all the while expecting different results.  I will grant you that after the first one, I was compelled to continue drinking by the mind-numbing action of the alcohol, coupled with its amazing ability to make me feel like I fit in.  This is the point where I felt the most powerless.  And even then, I was able to regulate my intake enough to not overdose or get sick; that is, most of the time…. So was I truly powerless?

    The other bone of contention I have heard from people, and again I would agree with, is the labeling of oneself as an “alcoholic” or “addict.”  Anyone who has spent any time in the spiritual community or with a life-coach or a counselor knows that the word directly following “I am” is an extremely powerful word.   Taking on such a label for the rest of one’s life could, in fact, bring about a relapse or a repeat of the past.  Many in the Twelve Step programs have chosen to alter that saying with statements such as “I am a grateful recovering addict.”  This is a step in the right direction as far as I am concerned.  A truthful and extremely powerful statement would look more like the following:  “Hi.  My name is Kevin.  I am choosing sobriety.”

    Maybe the original thought when writing the Steps was based on the knowledge of the terrible guilt, shame, and remorse most of us feel when we hit the bottom and seek help.  Somehow the word “powerless” seems to take us off the hook for the horrible behavior and unthinkable selfishness that we continually expressed.  Maybe the sheer thought of taking full responsibility right off the bat would send the genetically predisposed addicts right back to their drug of choice.  Is that a good enough reason to use the word “powerless”?  I will leave that up to you.

    What I am going  to do here is create a new First Step, one that allows us to acknowledge our own divinity and at the same time gives us the opportunity to admit that our choices up to this point were not in the best interest of ourselves, our loved ones, or anyone whom our behavior damaged in any way.

    This new First Step will be the largest step, the most intensive step.  And just like the original AA First Step, it will be the most difficult step.  There will be no rushing through this or any of the new spirituality steps to recovery.  The days of someone going over to their sponsor’s house for the weekend to do all Twelve Steps are over.  This is a lifetime of work that we are about to undertake here.  After all, the reason for getting sober is to live, right?  The reason for making a drastic change to your way of life is to live a joyful and full life, right?  So how can one do that by spending a weekend working on the erroneous thoughts they have spent their whole life tending to?

    Reading words in a book and feeling them in your gut only makes them a concept with which you resonate; it does not bring about a knowing.  Experiencing those words in your own actions is what will cause you to know them as real.   There is a huge difference between thinking, believing, and knowing.  Thoughts change all the time.   New thoughts pop up by the thousands per second, not always our highest thoughts by the way!  Beliefs are also subject to change based upon things we see and how we interpret them in our mind.  Knowing is something different altogether.  When you know something to be true, you will base your life around it.

    So without further ado, I offer you the first in a series of new spirituality steps to use in the process of changing those lifelong behaviors, attitudes, addictions, compulsions, or obsessions that have alienated family, friends, and loved ones, harmed countless other people, and left your life lonely, empty, and dark.

    Step 1.  I see that the way in which I have chosen to live does not work.  I am now ready to create myself anew as a sober, responsible, and accountable member of society.

    This step will require much work be done, as it clearly states that everything we thought we knew about living life was faulty or no longer viable.  We will need tremendous support and guidance in building a new foundation for our lives.  As the original program states, “You need to change your people, places, and things.”  Having those around us who are willing to tell us when we are not being who we now say we are and reeling us back in when we fall prey to old thoughts and behaviors will be vital to sustained change.

    I once again will state that I am really clear that for 20 percent of the addicted population, the Alcoholics Anonymous Twelve Steps are working quite well.  What I find incredibly disturbing is that leaves 80 percent of the group in the grip of this continuing and progressive illness without an option.

    It is my belief that the soul brings us to the physical so that we may experience ourselves in ways never before experienced.  In honoring that belief, I feel it is my duty to offer this new solution to one of life’s biggest problems.  Stay tuned.   This is only Part One in a series of blogs that will re-write the Twelve Steps to align with the new spirituality.

    (Kevin McCormack is a Conversations with God Life Coach, a Spiritual helper on www.changingchange.net, Addictions recovery advisor.  To connect with Kevin please email him at Kevin@theglobalconversation.com)

  • You are Driving me to Drink!

    Okay, we have all heard someone say that, whether it was in jest or someone actually meant “I am going to drink because I can‘t deal with you.”  Oftentimes the loved ones of an addict will actually believe that they are causing the addict to use, and they may just be right.

    By no means am I saying that the user would not be using if those around them simply conformed to their wishes.  What I am saying is that the person who is in early stages of recovery has an enormous amount of guilt and shame to work through in order to maintain sobriety.  The distractions of an unhealthy relationship can be the stumbling block the person in early recovery cannot hurdle.

    The co-dependent has become so reactionary that they lose themselves totally in the others problem.  They either obsess over how to gain or maintain sobriety for the abuser, or they demand reparations for all the past damage before the significant other is ready or able to give it.  This is why it is so vital for the co-dependent to accept that they have been affected by the disease and face the dysfunction it has create in their own life.  As we fall together, so too shall we grow together.

    There are three possible outcomes for a recovering alcoholic or drug addicts and their families:

    1.  The spouse or family finds a program and recovers and the user recovers.
    2.  The spouse or family does not recover and the user relapses.
    3.  The spouse or family does not recover and the user leaves the family to stay in recovery.

    I understand how hard it is for someone who has lived with a person in active addiction to accept that they have contracted the same disease.  I know in the minds of many this sounds like an indictment on the “victim.”  I assure you that it is not an attack.  Your wounds are real, your anger is valid, and your inability to trust is understandable.  What I am trying to convey here is that you have put life on hold while you did the best you could to try and get a handle on a seemingly impossible situation.  In order for you to regain your sense of normalcy, you must engage yourself in the process of re-discovery of self.

    We are in relationships to experience our highest thoughts about who we are and why we are here.  In a functionally loving relationship, we work together for the highest good.  My best asset to another is my own understanding of my purpose in life.  When I take care of me, I am taking care of “we.”  This is precisely what the 12-step programs are geared towards, redefining me in a healthy and positive way.

    It is particularly important to define personal boundaries in a working relationship between a co-dependent and a person in recovery.  In all relationships one must let their counterpart know what is acceptable and what is not.  Most often we do not know what our boundaries are until they are crossed.  Once we are aware of an issue, we must then find the most effective way to inform the other of our discovery.

    Communication is something that in most cases had broken down many years prior to the point of both parties getting into recovery, yet it is essential to work towards finding a compassionate and understanding way of communication as soon as possible.  Many times we don’t share our thoughts and feelings due to our own made-up story of possible outcomes of doing so.  This is can no longer be acceptable in recovery.  There is no room for sweeping our problems under the rug and acting like everything is fine.  We must create a space that is safe for our self and our other to express themselves.

    My suggestion to anyone who finds themselves affected by a significant other’s abuse would be to find  an appropriate 12-step meeting, such as Al-Anon, or Alateen, CODA, Nar-Anon, etc.  Determine what it is you would like to do moving forward and take steps towards doing that.  Define what you will not accept and communicate that to the addict in your life.

    (Kevin McCormack is a “Conversations with God” Life Coach, a Spiritual Helper on www.changingchange.net, and an addictions recovery advisor.  To connect with Kevin, please email him at Kevin@theglobalconversation.com.)

  • Is there a co-dependent in the house?

    At some point in our lives, most can agree in conversation that nothing happens by accident, that there is a purpose for everything in life.  When trauma strikes the person who has not yet developed or has not been taught helpful coping skills, addiction can take over their personality.  Anything that alters this person’s mood, feelings, emotions is subject to abuse.  Each person finds what works best for them; and once they do, any hope of developing the proper coping mechanism is lost.

    People with an addictive personality will stop at nothing to achieve and maintain the high that keeps them from experiencing life in its natural state.  This is where the root of addiction lives, the refusal to accept life on life’s terms, arguing with what is so, fighting to be right, crashing into the brick wall over and over again.  Sometimes there is a brief moment where there appears to be surrender.  The addict appears broken, ready, and willing to give up.  They seem willing to face the fact that the high that once kept them from having to feel is no longer working.  Then a little time goes by, the apologies come, the endless talk of “I will never do _______ again” starts,  everyone thinks things are “looking up,” and then WHAM, they find themselves getting high again.

    This can be very frustrating for the loved ones in the addict’s life.  They cannot understand what happened, “You said you weren’t going to drink anymore, you stopped for a whole week and talked about how committed you were.  What happened? Why???”   The co-dependent’s hopes and expectations get crushed over and over again by the disease of addiction.  Now they begin to be at odds with life themselves.  The whole family is under the control of addiction; life has become completely reactionary for everyone involved.

    What the family and friends are not aware of is that inside the addictive person’s brain is the obsession to use.  The addict is thinking about getting high all the time, even when they have “quit.”  This thinking can come in the form of glamorizing their past usage, things that may have been exciting, dangerous, or peaceful.  We tell “war stories” of our using, many times embellishing the fun while rarely speaking of the pain or destruction that has resulted.  It is this obsession to use that must be dealt with, and that is what recovery is all about.

    The process of recovery must first start with the cessation of all mood- and mind-altering chemicals. This is why many treatment facilities recommend a 28-day in-patient treatment program.  The time away, in a safe environment, allows for many opportunities to dig into the root of the problem.  Even in a person with the most sincere desire to stop using, doing so on their own is virtually impossible.  The disease voice in our head is so much louder than the voice of reason, unless we have a program in place to counter it.

    Being housed with other addicts in early recovery gives us the opportunity to face the reality that life truly had become unmanageable.  We can easily see where our abuse has brought us.  Most, if not all, people hit recovery facing financial ruin, relationship loss, unemployment, or possibly severe legal issues.  It is rare, indeed, for the person who has none of the above issues to find themselves in treatment.  This is why it is so important for friends and family to allow alcoholic or drug addict to suffer the consequences of their using.  How is a person ever going to “hit bottom” when there is always a safety net in place for them when they fall?

    The process of recovery for the co-dependent must start with the refusal to accept further abuse.  This is delivered in a beautifully clear way in Conversations with God.

    “As a practical matter—again leaving esoterics aside—if you look to what is best for you in these situations where you are being abused, at the very least what you will do is stop the abuse.  And that will be good for both you and your abuser, for even an abuser is abused when his abuse is allowed to continue.”

    We are not so different in the end, the addict and the co-dependent.  We are each disempowering the other from experiencing our life to the fullest.  We must all have faith that by doing right for our self, we are then doing what is best for everyone.  We can no longer afford to keep up the facade that everything is fine. We must expose the darkness so that the light can shine though.

    This is part 1 in a series on co-dependency and recovery.  Next week we will look  into why it is our fault and what we can do about it.  Stay tuned!

    (Kevin McCormack is a Conversations with God Life Coach, a Spiritual helper on www.changingchange.net, Addictions recovery advisor.  To connect with Kevin please email him at Kevin@theglobalconversation.com)