The Global Conversation

Tag: co-dependency

  • Collateral Damage

    During a recent recovery training class I attended the teacher asked the following question:  Who is the person that all addiction professionals have the hardest time helping? The answers were coming fast, and all were wrong according to him.  Some said “meth-heads,” others said “methadone addicts,” and other answers consisted of bulimics, anorexics, over-eaters, cigarette-smokers, etc.  The professor just kept shaking his head no.  Finally someone gave the answer he was looking for:  co-dependents. There was a collective sigh of agreement from the room when the answer was given.

    The human ego is our outward expression of who we think we are.  Ego is what we show to the world.  A Course in Miracles defines ego as “nothing more than a part of your belief about yourself.”  Of course, for the most part, our belief about our self is almost always very limited and oftentimes incorrect. Nonetheless, it is a critical part of who we are and how we experience life here. 

    So one of the most difficult things to get across to someone who has been affected by the behaviors of their loved ones is that they have been negatively impacted much in the same way that their loved ones are.  When the topic of co-dependency comes up with a family member of an addict or abuser, the answer we get is almost always the same: “I am not the one with the problem; they are!”

    It sure is easy to see it that way, too.  The alcoholic/drug addict has clear and definitive symptoms. Their lying, stealing, scrapes with the law, loss of jobs and relationships directly relate to addiction.  Yeah, addicts are pretty much out in the open with their disease, but guess what?  They don’t see it themselves.  And the same is true for co-dependents.  They do not see the destructive nature of their behavior but, most people around them do.

    For the outsiders, co-dependent behavior is baffling.  Many say, why won’t she just leave him? Or how many chances will he give her?  Or I can’t believe they put up with that kind of behavior.  Rational people cannot grasp what keeps the co-dependent repeating self-destructive behaviors.

    My heart goes out to the sufferers of co-dependency.  The longing for love lost is heartbreaking to witness.

    When an addict takes his first drink or drug, they have no idea they are going to become enslaved and addicted to it.  At some level, however, we understand that what we are doing could have some serious consequences. When a person falls in love with an addict or an abuser or a person with a narcissistic personality, they are much more unaware that they have become collateral damage to the disease of addiction.

    To some degree, addiction is contagious.

    How can a person’s thinking not be affected by the unpredictable behavior of their loved ones?  Our ego, in many cases, attaches ownership to our significant others.  We feel responsible for their behavior and their public image.  Soon we begin to lie to cover for them.  Not to protect them.  Usually by that point we don’t care much about them anymore.  No, we do it to protect us.  We don’t want anyone to see that we don’t have it all together.

    This is the point our ego becomes the obstacle we must overcome.  And sadly, many do not.  If only we in the helping community could get the point across that when we have one finger pointing at someone else, there are always 3 pointing right back at us.  Try it and see.  No, the thumb doesn’t count!

    What I would like to get across here in this blog and in my life’s work is that recovery from anything is really our human quest.  Staying the same, remaining unchanged, attempting to uphold an image of perfection goes against what the human experience is all about.  We are here to grow and experience all there is and as much of it as possible.

    Sadly, what happens to all too many of us is that we end up experiencing the same things over and over again.  After 50, 60, 70 years of that, many are so done with it they just wish life would end. I don’t feel it needs to be this way.  I have met countless people now in my 26 years of recovery; and for the most part, these people are living and enjoying life again.

    Being in a place of actively welcoming change into your life is a magical place. Breaking down the walls of ego and being transparent with your life is a gift from the soul.  We can’t learn anything if we are always right. We can’t receive compassion from others if we hide our pain and sorrow.  We can’t experience love others until we learn to love ourselves.

    Co-dependency, like addiction, is not a derogatory identity to have. It is merely the path we have chosen to take on this particular journey through the physical.  We have been here before; and undoubtedly, we will be here again.

    If this article has struck a chord with you please feel free — no, feel inspired to comment below.  Be the one who starts the conversation.  Be the source of recovery from the destructive thought patterns that limit our experience here in the physical realm. This is your invitation.

    (Kevin McCormack, C.A.d ,is a certified addictions professional and auriculotherapist.  He is a recovering addict with 26 years of sobriety. Kevin is a practicing auriculotherapist, life coach, and interventionist specializing in individual and family recovery and also co-facilitates spiritual recovery retreats for the CWG foundation.  You can visit his website Life After Addicton for more information. To connect with Kevin, please email him at Kevin@TheGlobalConversation.com)

  • Recognize addiction by its definition

    The most generally accepted definition of addiction in the treatment and medical community is “continued use in spite of negative consequences.”  The reason this designation has been given is to point out the leading indicator of those suffering with the addictive behaviors and compulsive disorders; and that is denial.  It is my intention in this article to point out negative consequences of the different types of addictive behaviors and compulsive disorders.  In doing so, this gives us the opportunity to examine our own actions, as well as heighten our awareness of those around us.

    There are certainly different levels of addictions; we have used the term in this column “soft addictions” and “hard addictions.”  The consequences for the hard addictions have wide-sweeping impacts.  The families, employers, co-workers, and many times innocent bystanders get caught in the dragnet of hard addictions.  Try finding somebody who hasn’t been in some way affected by addiction, then let me know when you find one.

    Soft addictions, however, the consequences are mainly directed at the person in question.  Typically, the soft-addictions person appears to have life pretty much all together.  This person may simply being addicted to being lazy.  They will sit around every chance they get, doing very little physical exercise, if any.  Their body over time begins to suffer the negative fallout and breaks down earlier than it should.  Sloth is a very common form of dependence that typically goes untreated.

    With the computer age well in hand, obsessive and compulsive use of the internet and our wireless devices has taken over the lives of many.  I have already written a blog on this called “Beyond the Big Five.”  The typical results from seeking the brain reward chemicals from our electronics is that we become very removed from social interaction. The instant gratification we receive temporarily relieves the need for companionship.  Like all addictions, however, our tolerance grows and we seek more and more gratification from the virtual reality we have created.

    Food addiction is a very complicated subject, and even more complicated to evaluate.  There are those for whom food takes on the form of a hard addiction.  For some, it is clear that the negative consequences of obesity signals the need for treatment; however, many of us can have less damaging addictive traits surrounding our food.  I have noticed in my life that when I overindulge in sugars, that my mental and spiritual connection are diminished.  This is clearly a negative consequence in my life, yet some days I will still partake in this behavior.  Although the softer food addiction still has many adverse effects on our lives, they are nonetheless obstacles to experiencing joy in its fullest form.

    The sex addict who fathers eight children with eight different women, all the while being married to the same person over the entire time, is suffering the consequences of addiction and at the same time causing a giant ripple of destruction in the lives of all the people involved.  The “hot” school teacher who knows full well that having any relationship with a student, let alone a sexual one, and proceeds to do so without regard for “what is true,” will experience the wrath of negative consequences sooner or later.  We have seen this countless times, so much so that we don’t even seem to be upset by it anymore, unless of course the teacher isn’t “hot” or a female.

    The “lighter” side of sex addiction is pornography.  This, very much like the internet addiction, is a compulsion of solitude. The effect this has on a person can be seen in their outward body, as well as their social interaction.  Any meaningful relationship becomes compromised at some point.  Trust boundaries are trampled on and self-esteem issues abound for those involved with the porn addict.  Without treatment, this person ends up leading a very lonely life.

    As with all addictions and compulsive disorders, denial is the obstacle to recovery.  In many cases, not only is the addict in denial, but the family members will be as well.  Our society has one major addiction that most of us indulge in, that is the reliance upon a belief that we don’t need help from anyone. “We can do it ourselves” we say, without having the first clue where to turn.

    The definition of denial is the refusal to accept what is true.  Truth as we all know comes in many flavors.  The truth we are talking about here is what is observably true.  It is fairly safe to say that given the information in today’s society, if a person gets caught driving while intoxicated one time. they made a huge mistake and showed terrible judgment.  If that same person then repeats that behavior and has a second offense, they have crossed the line into addiction.  The non-addicted person who gets a DUI never makes that mistake again.

    “The truth will set you free” it is said, and recovery from all types of addiction require it.  We must tell truth about our self  to our self   We then should tell the truth to our self about someone else.  Once we get to this point, we will then be willing to tell the truth about our self to another.  When we get to a higher place of evolution, we will begin to  tell the truth about another to that other, and this is service to humanity.  At this point, we begin to tell the truth to everyone about everything.  This is how the world evolves.  This is how we create peace on earth and goodwill towards men.

    (Kevin McCormack is a Conversations with God Life Coach, a Spiritual helper on www.changingchange.net, and an Addictions recovery advisor.  You can visit his website for more information at www.Kevin-Spiritualmentor.com  To connect with Kevin, please email him at Kevin@theglobalconversation.com)

  • Is there a co-dependent in the house?

    At some point in our lives, most can agree in conversation that nothing happens by accident, that there is a purpose for everything in life.  When trauma strikes the person who has not yet developed or has not been taught helpful coping skills, addiction can take over their personality.  Anything that alters this person’s mood, feelings, emotions is subject to abuse.  Each person finds what works best for them; and once they do, any hope of developing the proper coping mechanism is lost.

    People with an addictive personality will stop at nothing to achieve and maintain the high that keeps them from experiencing life in its natural state.  This is where the root of addiction lives, the refusal to accept life on life’s terms, arguing with what is so, fighting to be right, crashing into the brick wall over and over again.  Sometimes there is a brief moment where there appears to be surrender.  The addict appears broken, ready, and willing to give up.  They seem willing to face the fact that the high that once kept them from having to feel is no longer working.  Then a little time goes by, the apologies come, the endless talk of “I will never do _______ again” starts,  everyone thinks things are “looking up,” and then WHAM, they find themselves getting high again.

    This can be very frustrating for the loved ones in the addict’s life.  They cannot understand what happened, “You said you weren’t going to drink anymore, you stopped for a whole week and talked about how committed you were.  What happened? Why???”   The co-dependent’s hopes and expectations get crushed over and over again by the disease of addiction.  Now they begin to be at odds with life themselves.  The whole family is under the control of addiction; life has become completely reactionary for everyone involved.

    What the family and friends are not aware of is that inside the addictive person’s brain is the obsession to use.  The addict is thinking about getting high all the time, even when they have “quit.”  This thinking can come in the form of glamorizing their past usage, things that may have been exciting, dangerous, or peaceful.  We tell “war stories” of our using, many times embellishing the fun while rarely speaking of the pain or destruction that has resulted.  It is this obsession to use that must be dealt with, and that is what recovery is all about.

    The process of recovery must first start with the cessation of all mood- and mind-altering chemicals. This is why many treatment facilities recommend a 28-day in-patient treatment program.  The time away, in a safe environment, allows for many opportunities to dig into the root of the problem.  Even in a person with the most sincere desire to stop using, doing so on their own is virtually impossible.  The disease voice in our head is so much louder than the voice of reason, unless we have a program in place to counter it.

    Being housed with other addicts in early recovery gives us the opportunity to face the reality that life truly had become unmanageable.  We can easily see where our abuse has brought us.  Most, if not all, people hit recovery facing financial ruin, relationship loss, unemployment, or possibly severe legal issues.  It is rare, indeed, for the person who has none of the above issues to find themselves in treatment.  This is why it is so important for friends and family to allow alcoholic or drug addict to suffer the consequences of their using.  How is a person ever going to “hit bottom” when there is always a safety net in place for them when they fall?

    The process of recovery for the co-dependent must start with the refusal to accept further abuse.  This is delivered in a beautifully clear way in Conversations with God.

    “As a practical matter—again leaving esoterics aside—if you look to what is best for you in these situations where you are being abused, at the very least what you will do is stop the abuse.  And that will be good for both you and your abuser, for even an abuser is abused when his abuse is allowed to continue.”

    We are not so different in the end, the addict and the co-dependent.  We are each disempowering the other from experiencing our life to the fullest.  We must all have faith that by doing right for our self, we are then doing what is best for everyone.  We can no longer afford to keep up the facade that everything is fine. We must expose the darkness so that the light can shine though.

    This is part 1 in a series on co-dependency and recovery.  Next week we will look  into why it is our fault and what we can do about it.  Stay tuned!

    (Kevin McCormack is a Conversations with God Life Coach, a Spiritual helper on www.changingchange.net, Addictions recovery advisor.  To connect with Kevin please email him at Kevin@theglobalconversation.com)