The Global Conversation

Tag: Codependent

  • a QWERTY kind of life

    Change is difficult.  Unwanted change can be painful and challenging.  Recovery from addictions, hard or soft, is no exception.  Anyone who has consciously made the effort to rid their lives of a behavior they deem destructive or no longer useful can attest to this.  So why is it that when we come to the realization that we desire change it then becomes difficult to follow through?

    Personally, I have chosen recently to stop drinking coffee or any other caffeinated beverages.  It has been 18 days of complete abstinence for me, yet I know this territory very well.  I have quit before for longer periods of time.  The difference this time is, I have been seeking the support of others and remaining aware of my tendencies.

    Thoughts create our urges and cravings.  Sometimes the triggers are subtle, other times they are very predictable.  I have just about every Starbucks in the greater Orlando area mapped out in my head.  When I am driving, occasionally I will have the thought “hey, there is a Starbucks right around the corner.”  This is the moment of choice.  Do I react or do I create?  Do I give in and damage my self-esteem or do I acknowledge my own power and move on?   I have found the best way to choose the latter is to enroll others in my journey.

    The frontal lobe of the brain is the cognitive center, and its function is to separate out thoughts and filter them in the way we direct.  The midbrain is the impulsive, reactive center in the brain.  The midbrain sends its messages 7 times faster than the cognitive brain operates.  This is because the midbrain’s function is to preserve life.  When we practice cognitive behavior, we are much better prepared to handle the impulsiveness of the midbrain.  Increasing our awareness is a slow process that takes practice and willingness.

    So how do we direct the frontal lobe to make choices that support us in where we say we want to go?  This is the great challenge all of us face in life.  What are the voices in my head? How many of them are there? And which ones do I listen to?

    Life can be a lot like typing.  We can hunt and peck our way through, hoping we create a document worth reading before we die.  Or we can blindly stroke keys and end up with a mess of letters on a page that do not form any meaning at all.  Or, lastly, we can train ourselves to memorize where the keys are and which fingers to use to hit the keys and really create a work of art in a much shorter period of time, allowing for greater amounts of creation during our lifetime.

    The “qwerty” way of living life takes a little more upfront  work in the form of practicing healthy patterns of living so that we can start to direct our life with more focus and determination.  Have you noticed that the things in life you pay most attention to are the things that manifest in your reality?  Positive and negative, this is how life works.  God provides us with exactly what we place the majority of our intention on.

    This is why it is so important to make sure you are sending out the message that you want to experience and not place your energy on what you do not wish to experience.  Many of us tend to fall prey to the thinking that life is not on our side and that we are somehow at a disadvantage to others.  So long as we play out that belief, it will appear true.

    “The Universe is like a big Xerox machine.
    It simply produces multiple copies of your thoughts”
    Conversations with God, Book  1

    When we decide to make a change in our life, circumstances will present in the form of “are you sure?”  I have had many “are you sure” moments over the last 18 days of abstinence from caffeine.  From the wonderful smell of the coffee tray coming down the aisle of the airplane I was on and mercilessly stopping right next to me for what seemed like 5 minutes.  God, it smelled good!  But I had support, people who knew what I had called forth in my life.  And whether or not I didn’t take the coffee because I would have been embarrassed to admit I didn’t succeed or I simply chose not to, doesn’t matter.  I remained resolved in my quest.  One day at a time.  One craving at a time.  One “are you sure?” moment after the other.

    The moments when a craving hits or an opportunity presents itself to relapse into past behaviors and we choose to rise above and recreate ourselves in a new way, we reinforce our new pattern.  After doing this repeatedly, the new pattern becomes the norm and the “are you sure?” moments become less frequent.

    So I choose to embrace these “are you sure?” moments and recognize them for what they are.  They are the spiritual barbells of the universe, making us more powerful in our ability to create our lives in a more conscious way.

    What are your experiences with “are you sure?” moments?

    (Kevin McCormack, C.A.d ,is a certified addictions professional. He is a recovering addict with 26 years of sobriety. Kevin is a practicing auriculotherapist, life coach, and interventionist specializing in individual and family recovery and also co-facilitates spiritual recovery retreats for the CWG foundation with JR Westen.  The next retreat will be September 19 – 22nd in San Jose, California.  More information on retreats can be found here. You can visit his website for more information at www.Kevin-Spiritualmentor.com  To connect with Kevin, please email him at Kevin@TheGlobalConversation.com) 

  • The first step, it’s a doosy!

    The Twelve Steps were originally written by Dr. Bob and Bill W. in 1939.  They are to this day considered the foundation of recovery for all types of addictions and compulsive disorders.  And without question, the application of the Twelve Steps into one’s life gives the best chances of long-term sobriety.  It has long been my belief that there is no human condition the Twelve Steps could not improve.  They are simply a guide to living life in an honest, open-minded, humble, intentional, and responsible manner.  What I cannot believe is that there has not been anyone who dares to expand on them, until now.

    I am going to offer an alternative to the original Twelve Steps.  I want to be very clear here, these are not meant to replace the Twelve Steps, they are not intended to imply that there is something wrong with the Twelve Steps.   There is, however, something that has troubled me — and from what I now know, this has been a huge stumbling block for others as well — and that is the idea that we are somehow powerless.  For those who do not know, the current First Step states: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.”

    A great friend of mine laughingly says, “I don’t remember booze jumping down my throat on its own.”  I am very clear that it was my thought to go to the bar, it was my words that asked for the drink, and it was my hand that lifted the poison to my lips.  I see no powerlessness there; I see the deliberate, albeit insane, act of doing the same thing over and over, all the while expecting different results.  I will grant you that after the first one, I was compelled to continue drinking by the mind-numbing action of the alcohol, coupled with its amazing ability to make me feel like I fit in.  This is the point where I felt the most powerless.  And even then, I was able to regulate my intake enough to not overdose or get sick; that is, most of the time…. So was I truly powerless?

    The other bone of contention I have heard from people, and again I would agree with, is the labeling of oneself as an “alcoholic” or “addict.”  Anyone who has spent any time in the spiritual community or with a life-coach or a counselor knows that the word directly following “I am” is an extremely powerful word.   Taking on such a label for the rest of one’s life could, in fact, bring about a relapse or a repeat of the past.  Many in the Twelve Step programs have chosen to alter that saying with statements such as “I am a grateful recovering addict.”  This is a step in the right direction as far as I am concerned.  A truthful and extremely powerful statement would look more like the following:  “Hi.  My name is Kevin.  I am choosing sobriety.”

    Maybe the original thought when writing the Steps was based on the knowledge of the terrible guilt, shame, and remorse most of us feel when we hit the bottom and seek help.  Somehow the word “powerless” seems to take us off the hook for the horrible behavior and unthinkable selfishness that we continually expressed.  Maybe the sheer thought of taking full responsibility right off the bat would send the genetically predisposed addicts right back to their drug of choice.  Is that a good enough reason to use the word “powerless”?  I will leave that up to you.

    What I am going  to do here is create a new First Step, one that allows us to acknowledge our own divinity and at the same time gives us the opportunity to admit that our choices up to this point were not in the best interest of ourselves, our loved ones, or anyone whom our behavior damaged in any way.

    This new First Step will be the largest step, the most intensive step.  And just like the original AA First Step, it will be the most difficult step.  There will be no rushing through this or any of the new spirituality steps to recovery.  The days of someone going over to their sponsor’s house for the weekend to do all Twelve Steps are over.  This is a lifetime of work that we are about to undertake here.  After all, the reason for getting sober is to live, right?  The reason for making a drastic change to your way of life is to live a joyful and full life, right?  So how can one do that by spending a weekend working on the erroneous thoughts they have spent their whole life tending to?

    Reading words in a book and feeling them in your gut only makes them a concept with which you resonate; it does not bring about a knowing.  Experiencing those words in your own actions is what will cause you to know them as real.   There is a huge difference between thinking, believing, and knowing.  Thoughts change all the time.   New thoughts pop up by the thousands per second, not always our highest thoughts by the way!  Beliefs are also subject to change based upon things we see and how we interpret them in our mind.  Knowing is something different altogether.  When you know something to be true, you will base your life around it.

    So without further ado, I offer you the first in a series of new spirituality steps to use in the process of changing those lifelong behaviors, attitudes, addictions, compulsions, or obsessions that have alienated family, friends, and loved ones, harmed countless other people, and left your life lonely, empty, and dark.

    Step 1.  I see that the way in which I have chosen to live does not work.  I am now ready to create myself anew as a sober, responsible, and accountable member of society.

    This step will require much work be done, as it clearly states that everything we thought we knew about living life was faulty or no longer viable.  We will need tremendous support and guidance in building a new foundation for our lives.  As the original program states, “You need to change your people, places, and things.”  Having those around us who are willing to tell us when we are not being who we now say we are and reeling us back in when we fall prey to old thoughts and behaviors will be vital to sustained change.

    I once again will state that I am really clear that for 20 percent of the addicted population, the Alcoholics Anonymous Twelve Steps are working quite well.  What I find incredibly disturbing is that leaves 80 percent of the group in the grip of this continuing and progressive illness without an option.

    It is my belief that the soul brings us to the physical so that we may experience ourselves in ways never before experienced.  In honoring that belief, I feel it is my duty to offer this new solution to one of life’s biggest problems.  Stay tuned.   This is only Part One in a series of blogs that will re-write the Twelve Steps to align with the new spirituality.

    (Kevin McCormack is a Conversations with God Life Coach, a Spiritual helper on www.changingchange.net, Addictions recovery advisor.  To connect with Kevin please email him at Kevin@theglobalconversation.com)