The Global Conversation

Tag: Grief

  • How can I heal the pain of my uncle’s death?

    How can I heal the pain of my uncle’s death?

    My name is Michael. I am a 37 year old man and nine days ago my very beloved uncle died. He was like a father to me. He always supported me, advised me, and was always so kind to me. When I was in trouble he always helped me. Now, after nine days since he left, I feel worse and worse. The pain I have in my heart is so terrible. How can I heal this pain, that I feel is killing me?

    Dear Michael… First of all, please allow me to offer my condolences. I’m sure it must be terribly painful, losing the man who was like a father to you, who was so kind and loving to you. Any time we lose someone in our lives who we were very very close to, it leaves a huge hole in our hearts.

    I would encourage you to allow yourself to fully feel all of the emotions that are naturally coming up for you, yet know that they won’t kill you. You see, even though it may feel terrible, grief is actually a blessing to us. It’s that emotion that lets us know that we have loved deeply. There is an age-old question that asks, “Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?” I think for me the answer is, it is better to have loved and lost. Imagine how different your life would have been had you not been blessed by your and your uncle’s mutual love for each other. I’m sure your life would be very different if he hadn’t been in your life, so yes, by all means, grieve for your loss. Allow yourself to cry or scream or whatever wants to be released in you as you are releasing him from your physical presence.

    Please know, though, that just because your uncle is no longer with you physically doesn’t mean he isn’t with you spiritually. Neale’s wonderful book, Home With God: In A Life That Never Ends says that the moment we think of a dearly departed one, their soul flies to us in an instant! And although we can’t see them with our eyes, it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Sometimes, if we are highly attuned we can sense their presence.

    Please also know that your uncle is your angel in heaven now. I promise you, he still loves you with all his heart, and is watching over you, blessing you and sending you his love. He may even try to find a way to let you know, by sending you a sign of some kind. If this happens and the thought crosses your mind that this could be him, please don’t disregard or disbelieve it. Allow yourself to entertain the possibility that he has reached out to you!

    Trite as it may sound, time heals all wounds, dear Michael. Of course, time will never cause you to stop loving your uncle, but it can help you stop missing him so much. After you have allowed yourself to grieve fully, gradually start getting back into your normal routine of life. This will help assuage the acute feeling of loss you are experiencing now. And this is good, because I know your uncle wouldn’t want you to grieve forever. He wants what any father figure wants for their child (or nephew): for you to be happy.

    Please buy a copy of Home With God and read it right away. It contains “18 Remembrances” that may change your understanding about the whole process of this thing we call “life and death”. When we understand what is really happening, we can be much more at peace about it.

    If, after reading the book, you are still grieving very deeply, please reach out to one of the Conversations With God Life Coaches or one of the Spiritual Helpers at CWG Helping Outreach. I’ve included a link to the website below.

    I send you much love, dear Michael, as, I’m sure, does your uncle. Blesséd be.

    (Annie Sims is the Global Director of CWG Advanced Programs, is a Conversations With God Life Coach and author/instructor of the CWG Online School. To connect with Annie, please email her at Annie@TheGlobalConversation.com.

    (If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to:  Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com where our team is waiting to hear from you.)

    An additional resource:  The CWG Helping Outreach offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services.  The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions.  What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God.  It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.

     

     

  • Why? Why? Why?

    This one-word question is surfacing in the minds for so many today, December 14, 2012, as the news of the school shooting in the small town of Newtown, Connecticut, quickly spread around the world.

    Why?

    A question which may never be fully answered.

    As we try to make some small amount of sense out of a situation that simply makes no sense, I join Neale in his invitation to feel, to talk, to share, to explore the way you feel around today’s events and to support those around you who could benefit from a mutual exchange of loving energy and a compassionate presence.

    So at this point, let’s set aside the “Why?” for now and give ourselves permission to feel what we feel…and feel it deeply; to allow ourselves to grieve fully and without conditions or limitations; and to experience the highest level of Love as it expresses through our sadness.

    Let us join together to connect with our brothers and sisters in Connecticut within the space of our hearts, drawing upon the essence of who we really are, and be a source of comfort and hope and unconditional love.  If ever there was a moment to decide, to declare, and to demonstrate who you choose to be, I can’t think of a better time than now.

    I will close with a reflection from Fred Rogers:

    “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

    (Lisa McCormack is the Managing Editor & Administrator of The Global Conversation.  She is also a member of the Spiritual Helper team at www.ChangingChange.net, a website offering emotional and spiritual support. To connect with Lisa, please e-mail her at Lisa@TheGlobalConversation.com.)

  • Disease re-sent no more

    I was incredibly moved by the personal responses I received from last week’s column on grief and loss. I heard the pain and struggle that so many are moving through surrounding very real grief events happening in their life. I got it overwhelmingly that the help sought was in how to get through the pain and return to a place of peace; boy, do I understand the desire for that. It was all the encouragement I needed to write some follow-up columns here on healing and recovering from emotional pain.

    There is something instinctual within each of us that knows that life is not meant to be lived in pain, and so we quite naturally desire relief from it. Yet, as we discussed last week, healing our hurts can be a challenge since we often use less-than-helpful information on how to directly deal with loss and we can end up stuck in them instead.

    Completing our hurts is all that the ‘energy-of-emotion’ desires; that is, emotion can only be completed when allowed to be felt and fully expressed…And that takes what it takes. Avoiding or stuffing our feelings is the only way not to complete them. Dealing with some emotions are tougher than others. Let’s talk about some of the emotions that can keep us stuck in pain and tools to help get us through it.

    Resentment, or as I like to call it, “The I’d rather be right than happy emotion”

    Resentment is at the top of my list. The Buddha said: “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished BY your anger.”  I am sure we have all had experiences of that. Resentment is to literally resend to yourself negative thoughts that create painful emotions and then to do that over and over again. Remaining stuck in resentment is a joy-stealer, love-ender, and a life-experience killer! If left unresolved, overtime it can diminish our physical health as well.

    “Resentment is like taking poison, hoping someone else will get sick” – Malachy McCourt.

    The inability to overcome resentment probably constitutes the single-most devastating impediment to healing our important relationships, including the one with ourself! Even if we resent someone who has died, the replaying of past events trigger feelings as if they were happening to us right now. In fact, your body doesn’t know the difference. Resentment stands directly opposed to forgiveness, which is the giving up and letting go of the anger without condoning the behavior that caused it.

    Look again at that quote: “resentment is like taking poison, hoping someone else will get sick.”  This makes clear one of the most devastating aspects of resentment.  And if you are experiencing it right now, you know exactly what I mean. If you’re thinking about ways to get even or prove just how wrong the other person is, it may help to remember that the other person, who is that re-occurring bad movie playing over and over again in your mind, is probably feeling no pain, perhaps not even thinking about you at all or the interactions that are currently renting space in your head. Ultimately, resentment hurts you far more than those you may hold a grudge against, so it just makes sense to find a way to heal it.

    Here is a practical tool to begin the process of healing resentment:

    The First Draft – Second Draft Process

    Writing is perhaps one of the best forms of safely expressing one’s self, especially when dealing with resentment. That is the purpose of first draft, to begin the process of expressing, pushing out and leaving behind the pain of resentment. First draft is the place where you get to say and share everything that you are feeling surrounding a particular person or event that has you angry. Rather than stuffing it or confronting someone in an angry way, first draft allows you the space to get it all out on paper…and I mean all of it! Since first draft will never be read by anyone but you, you have the complete freedom to express exactly what you are feeling without the concerns of hurting another. Hold nothing back, edit nothing, just let it rip…Get it ALL OUT!

    I have never hurt a piece of paper’s feelings, but I have certainly said things in anger that have caused others to be and feel hurt. First draft is a powerful tool in actually healing resentment with no negative cost to others. Often when we confront another in anger, we make the situation worse, leaving us to deal with bigger problems! Try first draft first; that is why I call it first draft!! First draft is meant to allow you to express ALL the pain, and you do that until you are done, finished and complete. Only then do you move on to second draft to take on the underlying cause. (First draft can be shared with a counselor or trusted advisor to help you in your healing but never with the person it is about; that is what our second draft is for).

    Second Draft

    Second draft is used as a way of healing the issues which caused the pain, anger, or other emotions you were feeling in your first draft. Second draft IS meant to be read or communicated to another, so we want to ensure that everything that was painful in first draft has been expressed and doesn’t make the trip into our second draft. If you begin to feel the pain again, return to doing a first draft until the feeling is complete. You may have to do this several times, and then maybe several times again, but those feelings will come to an end if you honestly express them. Once your feelings have been completed, return to dealing with the issues, and do so with the idea of healing them. Remember this is a process to resolve the issue that caused the painful feelings to begin with. This is beneficial for you and for the other.

    It is also important to remember that you may not get the issue resolved by agreement; that is, you may agree to disagree, but the benefit lives within your willingness to communicate your truth with the intention of healing and being love. Using your power to heal does not require agreement, it only requires your choice to be accepting and clear. That which works for you may not work for another, nor does it have to in order for us to communicate with respect and love. Either way, you will be free of the resentment because you expressed yourself fully and you chose to communicate your truth with love rather than fear.

    Second draft also asks us to take responsibility for our part, since how we responded is our responsibility (response-ability). The process may require us to make amends or to clean up our integrity around something we said and did not deliver on. Integrity is merely being your word and being accountable for cleaning up anything that is not followed through on. This type of authentic communication is often the bridge which returns us to open and loving dialogue with the other. When you become willing to take responsibility, it often paves the way of possibility for that other to do so as well. Again, either way, you end up free of resentment.

    A second draft also allows us to express things like “when you said _________ I felt ___________. This can be helpful to communicate to the other person, as it may reveal why a breakdown in communication occurred in the first place or why we were triggered, which then allows us to heal. “The Course in Miracles” reminds us that “all attack is a call for help.”  When force is used, power is absent. To be in your power is to be a stand for those things which represent you. Standing for what you believe in from a place of love rather than righteousness is the key to being free of resentment. It is people like Nelson Mandela that come to mind when I think of the power to heal. All of us would have understood why he may have held a grudge, yet he decided to change the world instead.

    In the end, issues do not have power over us, nor do they make us feel a particular way. Using the first-draft, second-draft process will help you to return to a place of peace and clarity…a reminder that love is always the answer. If you are ready to end the pain caused by resentment, give this process a try. Remember that it is not necessary to agree with another’s point of view or to condone behavior you stand against. Neither position is a good enough reason to stay trapped in the diseased hell of resentment when there is an express train to heaven waiting at the next pen and paper near you.

    Please feel free to share your experience and know I am here should you require any help. Until next week, may peace be with you – J.R.

    (J.R. Westen, D.D. is a Holistic Health & Spiritual Counselor who has worked and presented side-by-side with Neale Donald Walsch for over a decade. He is passionate about helping individuals move beyond their emotional and spiritual challenges, transforming breakdowns into breakthroughs. His coaching provides practical wisdom and guidance that can be immediately incorporated to shift one’s experience of life. As is true for most impactful teachers, J.R.’s own struggles and triumphs inspired him to find powerful ways of helping others. Sober since June 1, 1986, J.R.’s passion for helping individuals move through intense life challenges drove him to also specialize in Addiction and Grief Recovery. J.R. currently shares his gift of counseling & coaching with individuals from around the world through the Wellness Center, Simply Vibrant, located on Long Island N.Y.  In addition, he works with Escondido Sobering Services and serves on the Board of Directors for the Conversations with God Foundation. He can be contacted at JR@theglobalconversation.com, or to book an appointment, write support@simplyvibrant.com.)

  • Good Grief?

    There is so much pain in the world. I see it written in the eyes and on the faces of people everywhere I go. Perhaps I see more of it given my work with grief, but all kinds of emotional pain finds its way to my doorstep. I do not see emotional pain as a bad or negative thing, rather I see it for what it is, the opportunity to be one of our greatest guides. It is a process to knowing and experiencing the depths of who we really are. There are many different kinds of emotional pain. And in this week’s column, we will begin to explore the many aspects of grief and recovery. Healing our grief is vital if we desire to create health and lasting happiness, so let’s look at it a little deeper.

    What is grief? Most would answer sadness. While sadness may be a part of grief, it’s not representative of the whole picture. Grief is actually all emotions one feels and experiences while moving through any kind of loss. It is also common to feel what would seem to be conflicting emotions while grieving, like sadness and happiness at the same time. For example, sad that a loved one died but happy that they are no longer suffering from the pain of a long illness.

    There are major losses, like death and divorce; and minor ones, like breaking or losing a favorite pair of sunglasses. We all experience grief in every form, yet not all recover from it; major losses being especially challenging. Having recovery tools to move through this very natural human emotional process can make the difference between really living versus just existing. Embracing your grief is to embrace your life, for it is part of who you are. Living a life full of joy does not mean we live a grief-free life, it simply means we move through the tough times returning us to our natural state of being. Winston Churchill said, “If you are going through hell, keep going.” I couldn’t agree more.

    While I get having a conversation about grief isn’t usually in our “top ten” list, we might want to consider placing it there, for there is no one who escapes it.  And learning how to be with it, rather than avoiding that which is unavoidable, just makes sense.

    When you look to see what it is you were taught about grief and how to deal with it, it becomes clear that we may have been given some less-than-helpful information around it, if we’re given any info at all. How many of us were taught things like “time heals all wounds” or “big boys don’t cry”? I am sure you could come up with many more of these well-intentioned but untrue statements.

    Often there are things communicated that might even be intellectually true for us but aren’t really helpful when we are in the midst of dealing with a loss, things like “they are in a better place now” or “there are more fish in the sea.”  Far too often we approach grief with our intellect, which is the wrong tool for the job; grief is an emotional process. Intellectual comments, whether true or not, can leave us feeling empty and isolated. Going through loss alone makes it that much more painful and it’s never recommended. Suggestion number one in “When Everything Changes, Change Everything” is never go it alone.

    Avoiding grief can lead us toward unhealthy behaviors which do nothing to help us resolve or heal our pain. The desire to feel different or to “fix” what we are feeling is quite common. Of course, in truth, there is nothing to fix because grieving (feeling) doesn’t make us broken. All of this born out of the idea that there is such a thing as a “bad feeling”; this thought leads us into more pain. Far to often people self-medicate, using all different sorts of substances or different forms of destructive behavior seeking an unneeded cure. Stuffing our feelings over time can create all sorts of health issues. Think about how often do you stuff laughter? Then why do we stuff our pain?

    Feelings are created to be expressed and not repressed. When feelings are expressed, they are like waves…they have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Once a wave passes, either a similar feeling begins with less intensity as the next wave or the feeling of being complete begins to set in. Completion is all our feelings desire, simply to be fully expressed, holding nothing back. This emotional process happens until it ends naturally; surrendering to it is the key.

    When I became willing to move toward my pain, rather than avoiding or running from it, an interesting thing began to happen for me. Moving toward it, especially with the intention of healing it, revealed gifts my pain had to offer. Gifts you ask? Yes, underneath all emotional pain is buried treasure. It certainly may not look or feel like it when you are in the middle of it, and I do not say this lightly or without empathy for the many painful events we all move through, yet I am still humbled when I think of the many ways my pain has nudged me in directions I may never have taken without it. Here is where our spiritual nature reveals itself, always there, holding us together as we fall apart. I am certain that if you have been on the planet for awhile you have experienced this, probably many times. The question I ask myself these days is, why do I resist it? Especially knowing that perhaps all of my greatest insights and spiritual awakenings have come through some of the most painful events and greatest hardships in my life.

    I am moving through such a challenge right now and once again have noticed that old familiar feeling of resistance coming up. Yet there is another voice present, one gently urging me to surrender to the process. This voice whispers: trust that nothing happens by accident and that everything that is happening right now has a reason and purpose behind it, which, as always, supports you and your greater good. Listening to this voice has provided some comfort and a willingness to move back into the process, moving within to heal with a new level of faith and trust. But perhaps more importantly, simply allowing the pain to be expressed rather than repressed; this is the message my soul wishes to remind you of today. There is something wonderful to be experienced within the authentic expression of our emotional process, and to deny yourself that which you created simply because it feels “bad” produces more of the thing you are attempting to avoid anyway. Remember “what you resist persists.”

    Moving through emotional pain is a blessing as only moving through it can be. Allow others to not only witness your process but hold you through it. Know that help is available. Know that you are not alone. Reach out…I am here.

    I will close this week’s column with this wonderful quote: “Beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in a darkroom…so if darkness has fallen upon you, rest assured that a beautiful picture is being prepared, waiting only for the right time to be revealed.”

    The time has come because you are here. What is being revealed for you?

    Holding you in my heart – JR

    (J.R. Westen, D.D. is a Holistic Health & Spiritual Counselor who has worked and presented side-by-side with Neale Donald Walsch for over a decade. He is passionate about helping individuals move beyond their emotional and spiritual challenges, transforming breakdowns into breakthroughs. His coaching provides practical wisdom and guidance that can be immediately incorporated to shift ones experience of life. As is true for most impactful teachers, JR’s own struggles and triumphs inspired him to find powerful ways of helping others. Sober since June 1, 1986, JR’s passion for helping individuals move through intense life challenges drove him to also specialize in Addiction and Grief Recovery. J.R. currently shares his gift of counseling & coaching with individuals from around the world through the Wellness Center, Simply Vibrant, located on Long Island N.Y. . In addition, he works with Escondido Sobering Services and serves on the Board of Directors for the Conversations with God Foundation. He can be contacted at JR@theglobalconversation.com, or to book an appointment, write support@simplyvibrant.com.)