The Global Conversation

Tag: marriage

  • Love, God, and dirty socks

    Some people are quite surprised, and many gasp with disbelief, when they hear the story of how my husband and I both completely forgot our one-year anniversary.  I know, it sounds semi-plausible that perhaps one of us might overlook such an important milestone in our relationship, but both of us forgetting altogether seems rather comical, a nearly an impossible idea to believe.

    This unusual blunder does not stem from a lack of caring, nor does it reflect some level of mutual apathy towards our partnership.  You see, it truly is, rather, that our relationship has not demonstrated itself as yearning to be measured or defined within the parameters of time.  Measuring or gauging our relationship in terms of days or months or years, while it does hold sentimental enjoyment for us to reflect upon, has never been the focus or intent of our partnership.

    Neither is the expectation of our relationship to be in a constant state of blissful agreement.  We understand deeply, although we sometimes forget, that at times our Souls will yearn for different experiences, and that the richness of our partnership is not determined by only those moments in which we see eye to eye. And even on those occasions when life has called upon us to experience contrast, or when we have stepped off the path of remembrance, forgetting who we are, the sanctity of our holy union has always been held in the palm of tenderness, compassion, and understanding.

    Sure, we disagree about some of the day-to-day tasks in life — taking out the trash and cleaning the kitchen, which television program to watch in the evening, selecting the appropriate temperature setting in our home, dirty socks on the floor, etc.  And at times we find ourselves on opposite sides of issues which carry much more importance in our lives, and the lives of others.  But the one thing that we do not waiver on, ever, is our understanding of and commitment to the partnership of our souls and the mutual desire and devotion to each other’s experience of and communion with God.

    And the experience of communion with God is not something forever lost in days gone by, nor is it something that we can only hope and wish for in the moments of tomorrow.  It is for us to experience right here, right now.  It doesn’t magically happen at a 1-year anniversary or a 10-year anniversary or a 50-year anniversary, nor does it happen with only one person.  It happens the moment you choose for it happen.  It happens as often as you desire for it to happen.  And it happens with whomever you choose for it to happen with.  Because, quite simply, it is always happening.  Sometimes we just have to peel back the layers of what we think we see to be able to experience what is really there.

    Perhaps now more than ever before, relationships are stretched and challenged by the push and pull of the demands of a fast-paced world.  It seems to me that so many of us are forgetting, rather than remembering, the purpose for which we exist in each other’s lives.  Maybe these very words will cause one or two or three people to pause and think about what that reason might be, maybe even for the very first time.  It is never too late.  You are never too old, too poor, too sick, too busy, too tired, or too anything to make a change in your relationships and create your life anew.

    (Lisa McCormack is the Managing Editor & Administrator of The Global Conversation. She is also a member of the Spiritual Helper team at www.ChangingChange.net, a website offering emotional and spiritual support. To connect with Lisa, please e-mail her at Lisa@TheGlobalConversation.com.)

  • How can I use CWG to create the long-term relationship of my dreams?

    I am getting married in August to the most wonderful guy I’ve ever known. My fiance and I both knew we had something very special from the first time we met, and our relationship is very strong and happy. We’re both excited about the prospect of spending the rest of our lives together, but I am a little nervous. My parents had a nasty divorce after twenty years. My father had an ongoing affair and lied about it, eventually marrying the other woman. I know he didn’t mean to hurt my mom, but I really don’t want that to happen to us! Does Conversations With God have any advice about how to make a relationship survive and thrive? Thank you for any help you can give me… Amy

    Dear Amy… I’m so glad I received this letter from you. Although any of the three of us who write this column, Nova and Therese included, could have helped you because we all know the CWG material so well and are all happily married, I experienced the exact same scenario as you. And… my husband, Greg, and I are celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary this month!

    I have actually started writing a book on this subject because it is so near and dear to my heart, but for now, here are some pointers to get you started. Since you asked specifically for advice from Conversations With God, I’m only including those. Hope it helps, and congratulations!

    Place no requirements on each other. Make only requests. 

    Freedom is the essence of who we are and the fastest way to get someone to leave the space is to limit their freedom with requirements. When Greg and I got married, I told him I only had one request of him: That if he ever fell in love with someone else, he would be honest with me about it. I told him I understand that these things happen and although it would hurt me very much, it would hurt even worse if he were not honest about it. 23 years later, that is still my only request of him. The truth can hurt, but falsehood hurts even more. Even more importantly, the truth heals.

    Speak your truth as soon as you know it, but soothe your words with peace and loving kindness. 

    Don’t hold things in. Give your partner the freedom of a loving space in which to share everything, both what’s working and what’s not working for them. I believe in total openness in relationships because if we keep things from each other the relationship becomes dysfunctional. I learned this the hard way with a dear friend of mine, trying to protect her feelings by keeping stuff in until I blew up, which ended up hurting her far worse. It’s much better to just come on out and say it if something is bothering us.

    When we keep our partner in the dark about matters large or small, we put a crack in the relationship. When we continue to withhold information about things that bother us, the crack becomes a chasm that can eventually break the relationship in two.

    Drop your expectations.

    Life = Change = Growth. Go with the flow. Know that things wouldn’t be happening the way they are if it weren’t for your greatest good—even when it doesn’t look like that right now.

    Where am I going and who’s going with me?

    Never reverse the order of these two questions. This may come as a shock, but put yourself first. Even though it may sound selfish, following the path of our own soul is actually the kindest thing we can do for another. When we follow our partner’s path instead, resentment can build, and when we’re not happy, the relationship cannot thrive.

    The magic happens when the two of you marry your paths together in such a way that both of you are following your individual soul’s journeys together. This requires clarity, communication and commitment, and it is a beautiful thing when it works. The whole of the two of you is greater than the sum of its parts. Life gets exponentially better and better!

    (Annie Sims is the Global Director of CWG Advanced Programs, is a Conversations With God Life Coach and author/instructor of the CWG Online School. To connect with Annie, please email her at Annie@TheGlobalConversation.com

    (If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to:  Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com where our team is waiting to hear from you.)

    An additional resource:  ChangingChange.net offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services.  The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions.  What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God.  It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.

  • Happily ever after?

    “I, Tina, take you, Tony, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.” 

    Couples around the world, thousands of them, on the threshold of entering into life partnerships with each other, commonly recite these traditional vows. And while there is nothing “wrong” with these particular words, or their meaning, I wonder how much thought or consideration is given to whether or not these declarations actually reflect the highest level of their commitment, the deepest expression of their love, and the clearest intent and very purpose for entering into the relationship to begin with.

    I don’t think I would be too far off the mark by making this perhaps bold statement: These same couples, thousands of them, have no idea why they are entering into their relationships to begin with, nor do they have any understanding of where they are going. The fallout is demonstrable and inarguable as we continue to witness growing numbers of painful divorces and separations – or, for that matter, perhaps even a larger number of people staying in relationships that either no longer serve them well or have become downright harmful. That is not to say that longevity is the sole indicator of the value or worthiness of a relationship.  We could probably all share an experience where in a fleeting relation with another we were provided us some of our most profound remembrances and realizations, demonstrating the idea that ALL relationships create a context within which we are given an opportunity to choose and decide Who We Really Are.

    However, as our world gently transitions out of its Old Cultural Story and into its New Cultural Story, we are given another opportunity, perhaps an even grander opportunity, the opportunity to redefine and recreate our relationships with each other not only on a global scale — politically, socially, and economically — but individually, within our most intimate relations and interactions. This shift holds within it the gift of change and the awareness to create. And the most beneficial place to begin is, quite frankly, at the beginning.

    This change is not always obvious or easy. We are constantly barraged with mind-numbing television programs which degrade the holiest of unions by exploiting brides who behave poorly or by aggrandizing extraordinarily decadent and over-the-top weddings or whom offer us the advice of “relationship experts” who tell us the way our relationships “should” be. As a result, for so many, more energy and thought is expended on the pomp and circumstance of the wedding event than is given to the actual commitment.

    People spend more money on multi-tiered designer wedding cakes than they are able to practically afford in order to please their guests, a large majority of whom they don’t even know. Women starve their bodies for weeks in an effort to fit into a wedding dress one size smaller than they naturally and comfortably fit into. We smash cake in each other’s faces, we pollute ourselves with so much alcohol that we can barely even remember what took place, and we, as I earlier mentioned, allow the very first words that we utter as an expression of Who We Are to be something we cut-and-pasted from Google.

    If we are going to change everything, and reconnect to the intended purpose for our relationships, where do we begin? What kind of an experience would a “ceremony of commitment” or a “declaration of unity” under The New Spirituality present itself as? What would a couple in love, being love, expressing love offer at the dawn of their relationship as a declaration and demonstration of a spiritual partnership that would exemplify the very reason they have chosen to unite in the first place?

    Conversations with God, Book 1, Chapter 8, offers to us the following:

    “If you both agree at a conscious level that the purpose of your relationship is to create an opportunity, not an obligation—an opportunity for growth, for full Self expression, for lifting your lives to their highest potential, for healing every false thought or small idea you ever had about you, and for ultimate reunion with God through the communion of your two souls—if you take that vow instead of the vows you’ve been taking—the relationship has begun on a very good note. It’s gotten off on the right foot. That’s a very good beginning.”

    What would you, from within the framework of your own understanding and your own experience, offer to someone who has come to you seeking a new definition and a new experience of “happily ever after”?

    (Lisa McCormack is the Managing Editor & Administrator of The Global Conversation. She is also a member of the Spiritual Helper team at www.ChangingChange.net, a website offering emotional and spiritual support. To connect with Lisa, please e-mail her at Lisa@TheGlobalConversation.com.)

  • Let’s Talk Money

    I am newly married and a few months in, and I’m loving the married life!  I haven’t noticed much has changed, really, except for one thing – my husband and I are definitely not on the same wavelength when it comes to money.  We recently moved into a new house and now have the whole mortgage and budgeting thing going on, and I now see that we operate entirely differently when it comes to money: I am a go with the flow, trust that things will work out type of person who definitely does not enjoy making sacrifices, and he is a follow the budge to a “t” kind of a guy.  This has caused some tension between us, and I’m not sure what to do about it because I don’t even like talking about money! I definitely don’t want this to be a bigger problem though, or drive us apart, so I need some advice.

    Kristi, Jacksonville

    Hi Kristi,

    Congrats on your marriage, and let me acknowledge you for bringing this issue to the light before it becomes a bigger problem.  You’re right, money can definitely be difficult to talk about for a lot of people, and it happens to be the number one thing that couples fight about, and incidentally, one of the top reasons for divorce.  Let’s avoid that, shall we?

    So, what most people don’t realize is that money is just energy, like everything else.  What we believe about it, how we think about it, speak of it, interact with it, etc., all contributes to our experience of it.  So the first place I’d like to direct you is to what your current idea of money is.  Do you believe money is bad, the root of all evil, limited, is earned in large quantities only by those who have either inherited it or work unGodly long hours and are miserable anyway?  Or do you believe that there is enough out there for everyone, that we are all deserving of large amounts of abundance of all kinds?  If you are unsure, a good place to look is what you heard a lot of growing up.  We were sponges as children and it was very easy to unconsciously inherit the beliefs about money that our parents had.  For example, if you saw your parents fighting and worrying about money all the time, you’re likely to grow up feeling stressful about money, not wanting to talk about it, avoiding the topic altogether or fighting about it with your spouse, not to mention having the experience of not having a lot of it.

    The good news is that a belief is just a thought you continue to think, and it is entirely possible to change that thought.  And that brings me to step 2: once you’ve acknowledged what your current beliefs/ideas about money are, decide whether or not they are serving you, and if you decide they aren’t, choose a new belief you’d like to have about money, one that does serve you.  Next, begin creating new habits that are in alignment with this new belief.  For example, say you’ve chosen to believe that money is wonderful and there’s enough to go around for everyone.  Some habits you may choose to adopt may be only saying good things about money and avoiding complaining about it, saying a prayer of thanks every time you pay a bill because you have the money to pay for such luxuries as heat and electricity or your cell phone, and you enjoy them all.  You could even start a dialogue with your husband about what his beliefs are about money, letting him know that although it’s been a difficult topic for you to talk about in the past, you’d like to be able to talk about it together and find a place in your finances that you both can feel good about.

    But I encourage you, Kristi, to start with yourself.  When you get into vibrational alignment with Who You Really Are in relation to any topic in life, it has a way of making everything come together without much effort on your part at all.  And everything I gave you above are great ways to come into alignment around money.  Look for what you appreciate about money, not what you dislike about it or feel helpless about.  Share what you do have with others lovingly and joyfully, now that’s a wonderful way to feel and experience your own abundance.  Look for what is currently working for you around money and share that with your husband, giving him the space to share what works for him around it.  Marriage is definitely about being willing to love and grow with each other not just through the good times, but through the challenging ones.  And this could be a wonderful opportunity for the two of you to grow closer and more intimate in ways you haven’t yet.

     

    (Nova Wightman is a CWG Life Coach, as well as the owner and operator of Go Within Life Coaching, www.gowithincoaching.com, specializing in helping individuals blend their spirituality with their humanity in a way that makes life more enjoyable, easy, and fulfilling.  She can be reached at Nova@theglobalconversation.com. )

    (If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to: Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)

  • Sleeping with the ‘enemy’

    To Amanda, the “enemy” describes her devoted and loving husband of 25 years, Phil, a staunch republican.

    To Phil, the “enemy” describes his beloved wife and life companion, Amanda, a proud democrat.

    Phil and Amanda are partners in a relationship where a large portion of the principles and ideologies they believe in and subscribe to are starkly different.  When I first heard about this particular couple, my first-blush reaction was one of disbelief.  How could a vibrant long-term partnership not only exist or merely get by but actually thrive within a framework constructed upon so many contrasting points of view?  Which led me to the follow-up question:  How important are mirroring core beliefs to the vitality of a relationship?

    Can a romantic partnership bridge the obvious gap between hot-button topics like pro choice/pro life, gay marriage, death penalty issues, and taxes?

    And putting aside for a moment whether it “can”…must it?

    A belief that a partner must share and embrace parallel understandings about most, if not all, of life’s day-to-day happenings could be the very thing that is blocking an experience of our highest potential and greatest remembrance.  As we long for and seek to find relationships that support our already-adopted set of beliefs and firmly placed perspectives, perhaps we are overlooking the possibilities held within a relationship of distinction, one whose promise is to provide the highest and grandest opportunity for self-creation.  Conversations with God, Book 1, teachings say, “If the world existed in perfect condition, your life process of Self creation would be terminated. It would end.”

    Couldn’t the same be true within the context of our intimate relationships?

    Differences within relationships present opportunities to experience oneness without the requirement of sameness.  Whether our partners are interested discussing the most-recent debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney or having a conversation around last night’s yoga class or perhaps the day’s events at the office, a partnership will continually invite you to create a space and be present in the same way each and every time:  fully, mindfully, openly, and lovingly.  Not because the particular subject matters – politics, gardening, yoga, football, knitting, book club – but because the person with whom you share your journey, your beloved other, the mate of your soul, does matter.

    Therefore, it is not important that we agree, but rather that we resist the temptation to be “right,” consciously inviting the full expression of life into our realm of possibilities.  And as life has demonstrated to us again and again and again, we are most often provided some of our grandest opportunities within the disguise of that which we resist.

    In the upcoming 2012 election, Phil will vote for Mitt Romney and Amanda will vote for Barack Obama.  And they will thereafter continue on in their sacred journey, a partnership of their souls, expanding in the appreciation of their diversity and operating out of their deeply held belief that the essence of love is freedom.

    And THAT is a concept that has my vote!

     (Lisa McCormack is the Managing Editor & Administrator of The Global Conversation.  She is also a member of the Spiritual Helper team at www.ChangingChange.net, a website offering emotional and spiritual support. To connect with Lisa, please e-mail her at Lisa@TheGlobalConversation.com.)

     

  • “I love you, you’re perfect, now change”

    “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change” is the title of a highly successful and now retired Off-Broadway musical in New York City which emphasized in a light-hearted fashion what has sadly come to be the not-so-light-hearted and oftentimes painful experience found in so many relationships:  partnerships foundationed in neediness and expectation, two of the “three love-enders,” as described to us in the book Friendship with God, with the third “love-ender” being jealousy.

    Conversations with God offers to us the following insight:

    “When you lose sight of each other as sacred souls on a sacred journey, then you cannot see the purpose, the reason, behind all relationships.”

    If we are entering into our relationships with the idea that our partners must BE a particular way or DO a particular thing in order for us to experience the depths of our own happiness and abundance, the expansiveness of our own joy and light, and the fullness of our own completeness and sufficiency, we are functioning within an understanding of “love with conditions” and misguided ideas of what perfection truly is.

    In an era where the divorce rate exceeds 50%, what is really going on here?  What are we not understanding and, thus, not being allowed to experience?

    Are our limited understandings and parameters in relation to this institution called “marriage” too narrow to hold a space for a deeply fulfilling soul partnership to thrive?   Have we placed unrealistic human boundaries on the aspect of ourselves that is without limits?

    Most of us, at one time or another and at one level or another, have experienced the joyful bliss of a budding relationship and the devastating heartbreak of its demise.  So many of us are yearning and searching for the perfect partner, what is often termed a “soul-mate,” only to experience repeated outcomes of disillusionment and disappointment; yet there are those who have discovered and held onto that seemingly elusive but deeply satisfying recipe of love and commitment.

    Why does this experience of a spiritually rich and loving relationship evade so many in what seems to resemble a cruel game of hide-and-seek?  It has been my own personal experience that a gentle shift in perspective can elevate a relationship from an experience of division and angst to an experience of unity and bliss.  This type of shift will invite me to take a conscious step away from my expectations and attachment to outcomes; to separate myself from my mind’s craving to be “right,” which oftentimes requires making someone else “wrong”; and to be fully present in the completeness of not only myself, but in the completeness of my beloved other.

    Perhaps someone, someday, somewhere will create and produce a musical about relationships that carries with it a message from within the perspective of The New Spirituality, and perhaps a title of…

    “I Love You, Without Condition, Eternally.” 

    (Lisa McCormack is the Managing Editor & Administrator of The Global Conversation.  She is also a member of the Spiritual Helper team at www.ChangingChange.net, a website offering emotional and spiritual support .   To connect with Lisa, please e-mail her at Lisa@TheGlobalConversation.com.)

  • France proposes banning words ‘mother’ and ‘father’ as part of gay marriage legalization

    Thank you, France, for demonstrating that, YES, our world IS evolving and moving towards a more loving and accepting society, breaking through the intolerant barriers of an Old Cultural Story which dictates in what form love is to be experienced and expressed and moving into a New Cultural Story where couples of all genders are free to experience and enjoy the rights and privileges afforded to ALL loving relationships.

    According to a recent article in The Telegraph, “France is set to ban the words “mother” and “father” from all official documents under new plans to legalize gay marriage,” giving equal adoption rights to homosexual and heterosexual couples.

    Justice Minister Christiane Taubira told France’s Catholic newspaper, La Croix, “Who is to say that a heterosexual couple will bring up a child better than a homosexual couple, that they will guarantee the best conditions for the child’s development?”

    As expected, this proposed law is being met with vehement resistance by members of the Catholic Church.  “Gay marriage would herald a complete breakdown in society,” Cardinal Philippe Barbarin, the head of the French Catholic Church, told Christian’s RFC radio last week.  He is further quoted as saying, “This could have innumerable consequences. Afterward they will want to create couples with three or four members. And after that, perhaps one day the taboo of incest will fall.”

    Wow, is the suggestion really being made that the legalized union of two loving same-sex mutually consenting adults is one step shy of a parent engaging in sexual relations with their own child or brother or aunt?    And perhaps I’m confused, but isn’t it heterosexuals who have been historically, and still are even to this day, entering into multiple-partner relationships?  What does THAT type of irrational conjecture have to do with a same-sex partnership being afforded the opportunity to be a legally and socially recognized union?

    And just WHEN and HOW did God’s glorious gift of sex become a tool to be used to judge, control, manipulate, bring shame upon, and condemn?  Do we honestly imagine a God who created the possibility of deeply felt love to exist between two souls – whether that is a man and a man, a woman and a man, or a woman and a woman – only to then be judged and punished for simply being who they are?  What is it that we are actually afraid of here? 

    I applaud this bold step forward the country of France is proposing, a step that embraces the forward movement of The New Spirituality and celebrates everyone’s ability to enter freely and fully into a legally recognized union that supports at an equal level the depth of their love and the holy union of their souls.