The Global Conversation

Tag: nar-anon

  • You are Driving me to Drink!

    Okay, we have all heard someone say that, whether it was in jest or someone actually meant “I am going to drink because I can‘t deal with you.”  Oftentimes the loved ones of an addict will actually believe that they are causing the addict to use, and they may just be right.

    By no means am I saying that the user would not be using if those around them simply conformed to their wishes.  What I am saying is that the person who is in early stages of recovery has an enormous amount of guilt and shame to work through in order to maintain sobriety.  The distractions of an unhealthy relationship can be the stumbling block the person in early recovery cannot hurdle.

    The co-dependent has become so reactionary that they lose themselves totally in the others problem.  They either obsess over how to gain or maintain sobriety for the abuser, or they demand reparations for all the past damage before the significant other is ready or able to give it.  This is why it is so vital for the co-dependent to accept that they have been affected by the disease and face the dysfunction it has create in their own life.  As we fall together, so too shall we grow together.

    There are three possible outcomes for a recovering alcoholic or drug addicts and their families:

    1.  The spouse or family finds a program and recovers and the user recovers.
    2.  The spouse or family does not recover and the user relapses.
    3.  The spouse or family does not recover and the user leaves the family to stay in recovery.

    I understand how hard it is for someone who has lived with a person in active addiction to accept that they have contracted the same disease.  I know in the minds of many this sounds like an indictment on the “victim.”  I assure you that it is not an attack.  Your wounds are real, your anger is valid, and your inability to trust is understandable.  What I am trying to convey here is that you have put life on hold while you did the best you could to try and get a handle on a seemingly impossible situation.  In order for you to regain your sense of normalcy, you must engage yourself in the process of re-discovery of self.

    We are in relationships to experience our highest thoughts about who we are and why we are here.  In a functionally loving relationship, we work together for the highest good.  My best asset to another is my own understanding of my purpose in life.  When I take care of me, I am taking care of “we.”  This is precisely what the 12-step programs are geared towards, redefining me in a healthy and positive way.

    It is particularly important to define personal boundaries in a working relationship between a co-dependent and a person in recovery.  In all relationships one must let their counterpart know what is acceptable and what is not.  Most often we do not know what our boundaries are until they are crossed.  Once we are aware of an issue, we must then find the most effective way to inform the other of our discovery.

    Communication is something that in most cases had broken down many years prior to the point of both parties getting into recovery, yet it is essential to work towards finding a compassionate and understanding way of communication as soon as possible.  Many times we don’t share our thoughts and feelings due to our own made-up story of possible outcomes of doing so.  This is can no longer be acceptable in recovery.  There is no room for sweeping our problems under the rug and acting like everything is fine.  We must create a space that is safe for our self and our other to express themselves.

    My suggestion to anyone who finds themselves affected by a significant other’s abuse would be to find  an appropriate 12-step meeting, such as Al-Anon, or Alateen, CODA, Nar-Anon, etc.  Determine what it is you would like to do moving forward and take steps towards doing that.  Define what you will not accept and communicate that to the addict in your life.

    (Kevin McCormack is a “Conversations with God” Life Coach, a Spiritual Helper on www.changingchange.net, and an addictions recovery advisor.  To connect with Kevin, please email him at Kevin@theglobalconversation.com.)

  • Is there a co-dependent in the house?

    At some point in our lives, most can agree in conversation that nothing happens by accident, that there is a purpose for everything in life.  When trauma strikes the person who has not yet developed or has not been taught helpful coping skills, addiction can take over their personality.  Anything that alters this person’s mood, feelings, emotions is subject to abuse.  Each person finds what works best for them; and once they do, any hope of developing the proper coping mechanism is lost.

    People with an addictive personality will stop at nothing to achieve and maintain the high that keeps them from experiencing life in its natural state.  This is where the root of addiction lives, the refusal to accept life on life’s terms, arguing with what is so, fighting to be right, crashing into the brick wall over and over again.  Sometimes there is a brief moment where there appears to be surrender.  The addict appears broken, ready, and willing to give up.  They seem willing to face the fact that the high that once kept them from having to feel is no longer working.  Then a little time goes by, the apologies come, the endless talk of “I will never do _______ again” starts,  everyone thinks things are “looking up,” and then WHAM, they find themselves getting high again.

    This can be very frustrating for the loved ones in the addict’s life.  They cannot understand what happened, “You said you weren’t going to drink anymore, you stopped for a whole week and talked about how committed you were.  What happened? Why???”   The co-dependent’s hopes and expectations get crushed over and over again by the disease of addiction.  Now they begin to be at odds with life themselves.  The whole family is under the control of addiction; life has become completely reactionary for everyone involved.

    What the family and friends are not aware of is that inside the addictive person’s brain is the obsession to use.  The addict is thinking about getting high all the time, even when they have “quit.”  This thinking can come in the form of glamorizing their past usage, things that may have been exciting, dangerous, or peaceful.  We tell “war stories” of our using, many times embellishing the fun while rarely speaking of the pain or destruction that has resulted.  It is this obsession to use that must be dealt with, and that is what recovery is all about.

    The process of recovery must first start with the cessation of all mood- and mind-altering chemicals. This is why many treatment facilities recommend a 28-day in-patient treatment program.  The time away, in a safe environment, allows for many opportunities to dig into the root of the problem.  Even in a person with the most sincere desire to stop using, doing so on their own is virtually impossible.  The disease voice in our head is so much louder than the voice of reason, unless we have a program in place to counter it.

    Being housed with other addicts in early recovery gives us the opportunity to face the reality that life truly had become unmanageable.  We can easily see where our abuse has brought us.  Most, if not all, people hit recovery facing financial ruin, relationship loss, unemployment, or possibly severe legal issues.  It is rare, indeed, for the person who has none of the above issues to find themselves in treatment.  This is why it is so important for friends and family to allow alcoholic or drug addict to suffer the consequences of their using.  How is a person ever going to “hit bottom” when there is always a safety net in place for them when they fall?

    The process of recovery for the co-dependent must start with the refusal to accept further abuse.  This is delivered in a beautifully clear way in Conversations with God.

    “As a practical matter—again leaving esoterics aside—if you look to what is best for you in these situations where you are being abused, at the very least what you will do is stop the abuse.  And that will be good for both you and your abuser, for even an abuser is abused when his abuse is allowed to continue.”

    We are not so different in the end, the addict and the co-dependent.  We are each disempowering the other from experiencing our life to the fullest.  We must all have faith that by doing right for our self, we are then doing what is best for everyone.  We can no longer afford to keep up the facade that everything is fine. We must expose the darkness so that the light can shine though.

    This is part 1 in a series on co-dependency and recovery.  Next week we will look  into why it is our fault and what we can do about it.  Stay tuned!

    (Kevin McCormack is a Conversations with God Life Coach, a Spiritual helper on www.changingchange.net, Addictions recovery advisor.  To connect with Kevin please email him at Kevin@theglobalconversation.com)