My ex-husband and I padded the bank accounts of several high-priced attorneys and occupied over two years’ worth of courtroom time and resources, mired in the pain and enveloped in the confusion surrounding our divorce, a word which suddenly and ferociously became a synonym for our own personal “war.” And most regrettably, we allowed our distorted sense of “victimization” and perceived “failure” to interfere with our ability to be the loving support system that our only son desired and deserved. We, like so many others, found ourselves consumed with the upheaval in our relationship and paralyzed by the illusions of fear and need, as we found ourselves sinking deeper and deeper into despair and moving further and further away from any concept of who we once knew ourselves to be.
Until one day everything changed.
And I mean literally in one day. And more profoundly, not only in one day, but as a result of one choice:
I changed my perspective.
It was glaringly apparent, after years of bitterness and conflict, that what we were doing wasn’t working. So why were we continuing to do the same thing over and over again, making the same choices and expecting different results? Which, by the way, is the phrase Narcotics Anonymous offers as the definition of insanity in its time-honored book on addiction.
When I shifted my perspective and held my relationship, and the experiences provided to me within it, in a new light, this is what I was allowed to remember:
First, our relationship was not ending. It was merely changing. The purpose and intent of our union always was and always will be integrated in our human experience in the way we choose for it to be. We can choose to consciously and purposefully include and utilize the opportunities blanketed within this experience, or we can choose to continue to react to the experience as one that is happening outside of us and, therefore, to us. Two very different realities are birthed out of each respective choice.
Second, this relationship was drawn to and co-created by us both as a vehicle within which we were both given an opportunity to experience an aspect of ourselves not yet remembered, not yet expressed, not yet demonstrated. And because I do not believe that life is a series of random happenings, and I also do not believe that life shuffles us through a predetermined script, I knew there was a larger opportunity being offered here to create meaning and to declare purpose and to know and experience ourselves at a higher level.
Third, I was led to a deeper understanding of what “forgiveness” means…and what it doesn’t mean. Neale Donald Walsch’s new book “The Only Thing That Matters” says, “Absolution is not necessary, since all human action is based, at its root, in love, however confused, mistaken, or distorted its expression.” And as “Conversations with God” puts it: “No one does anything inappropriate, given their model of the world.”
The marrying of these two spiritual concepts created the perfect recipe of change for me and facilitated a new perspective, one that propelled me into a deep sense of appreciation and profound gratitude in relation to someone who once was my partner and who now is my friend.
When some of the top stories in today’s headlines are “Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ Bitter Divorce” or “Real-Life War of the Roses,” as described in a story by ABC News where Michael Rose and Rona Rose’s divorce resembled the popular Hollywood movie that coined the popular phrase and amplifies the rage of a bitter divorce, I now understand the gift I have been given and value the opportunity to share my personal experience to help others.
Why are we as a society enamored with the downfall of celebrity or high-profile relationships, as the rows and rows of tabloid magazines in our grocery store checkout stands reflect? Perhaps it soothes our own perceived sense of failure to notice that the “most notable” in our society, too, are struggling with relationship challenges. Perhaps our egos hurt less when we think someone else hurts more.
What if, just for today, you assigned a new meaning to something that is changing (perhaps a relationship) in your life?
What if you saw this event through the lens of an entirely different perspective?
If there is a new perspective that feels better than the one you currently hold about a particular situation that you are facing, what is standing in the way of you embracing it?
Could you “end the war” right now?
(Lisa McCormack is the Managing Editor & Administrator of The Global Conversation. She is also a member of the Spiritual Helper team at www.ChangingChange.net, a website offering emotional and spiritual support . To connect with Lisa, please e-mail her at Lisa@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
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